Silence

I am alone in the living room. The roommates are at a concert which I opted out of, for sake of quietude. I've been anti-social for a good while now while trying to determine how to be in a foreign place, with foreign thoughts, and foreign feelings.

I have lost my rudder. To be alone has had its colors. For the majority of my life, being alone has alternated between loneliness and solitude - resting mostly on loneliness and the restlessness associated therein.

To me, quiet, when I have it, is pleasant and I often retreat to my room to be alone with my thoughts so as to escape the chaos of the house. Now, however, the silence is uncomfortable. Rather than it being a pleasant break from the laughter, exuberance, screeching, joking, bitching, coughing, sneezing, singing, shouting, quoting movies, quoting songs, or some show on TV - are instead now a deadness of space, a silence of objects around me still in their unmoving suchness. Every imperfection of this moment showing up.

Normally when I impose my room's silence on myself, it is in a space of forced retreat and self-gifted relief, under a feeling of duress, for I don't like to retreat to my bedroom away from the warmth of the living room and its objects. The thoughts upon retreat include resentments for my living situation, with a mixture of fearful knowledge that if I did live alone, I would be plunged into a darkness of despairing possession of the calling voices of the unmade decisions that require themselves to be heart, resolved, and followed.

Silence as Pain:

Complete silences at times of surrounding stress are painful. They leave me wanting to escape my problems and unmade decisions back into the din of the group and the interplay therein. Their discomfort has me grasp for quick solutions: should I turn on the TV? Should I watch a DVD? Should I take a walk? Should I avoid these distractions and make a to-do list of everything that I must do? Should I do homework? Should I research a retreat plan off this island? Should I research things to do to occupy my time on the island and a way of belonging? Should I...

The thoughts that come are angels and devils in disguise. They are defenses set up to prevent myself from going too deep, but they don't free me from problems which I must truly confront. All of theses 'shoulds' call me to do, instead of to be. And being as an alternative to doing would free me from these objects called 'problems'.

Silence as a Mirror:

I have not been alone in this house since the summer - where the excitement and unpredictability over the future filled my silence with expectation of newness. Instead, this silence is filled with the expectations of sameness - the return of the sounds, and the reality of the drudgery I have found myself in day in and day out.

My drudgery is that of learning and attending a mix of classes - some I like - some I hate and resent. I have not found a purpose for myself here. I have no solace in my school. I have no solace in my books, or a cat to entertain me. I have no solace or resoluteness about the decisions I have made. I have no solace in the beauty of the island - for my times to enjoy it are oh so brief with the pressure of school and studies compressing my time. My will and my call to embrace my decisions, my path, my chosen future has gone. I have no ability to find direction in life. There is only the darkness of the unknown, of the uncomfortable, of the regret, and of the fear of being here, alone and unanchored. This fear is due to my malnourished Kidneys (Water Element) which would normally be nourished by a healthy Lungs (Metal Element).

I have no anchor in my decision to be here, and no anchor in my decision to return back to Maryland. What awaits me of a life there? I gave up my work, and my house. There is no more routine and managed order there for me to seek stability in. What does await me at home is the support of my friends and family.

Here, I have been swept away in the workload associated with my decision to live here and after trying to find my place here, I have not reached a still point. Where will my solace come from for I am not enjoying my life. I am at cause of my decisions, yet I feel unable to unmake them. Unable to return home to the embrace of friends and family at the snap of the fingers. Unable to return to a former life of pleasant and comforting routines, ones which were marked with the bitterness which had me leave. But ney, it was not the bitterness of the life I had that had me leave - it was the promise of an idea - the idea of a future filled with joy, fulfillment of a new career path, and great weather. The reality that met me here instead was that of routines which are not mine.

My routines here propel me into a future as an acupuncturist, but do not provide me with a belonging to my body, to my soul, and to my mind. My life had formerly consisted of well controlled patterns - a clean house, an order in my physical world - order of which gave my order to my mental world. The order of a commute to work, the order of work to be done and to be left alone. The order of regular patterns of seeing my friends and family. The order of caring for plants, and meditative acts of cleaning and continuing to create order. The chaos of living with others who's lives do not require an ordered universe has thrown me into a place of living under the roof of someone-else's house, someone-else's school schedule, someone-else's weather patterns, someone-else's friends, and someone-else's life.

To create order in this space seems like an insurmountable task. The moment the house is clean, there are books, papers, cups, unwashed plates, pens, blankets, bottles, utensils, and shoes that scatter throughout the order within a day of having rebuilt my ordered universe. The moment a new semester starts, the teachers change class schedules, assign required books which don't get referenced, they deviate from subjects, deliver lectures in a haphazard manner. The moment the weather is clear and sunny, the Vog comes and settles over the landscape, obscuring it from view for days.

Metal:

I believed that my Chinese Elemental typology was that of Fire. I'm now firmly convinced that my life has always been that of the rigid structure of Metal. A recent test I took of my personality breakdown had me pegged at 33% Metal, 30% Water, and 22% Fire, 13% Wood, 2% Earth.

No wonder my Lungs (organs associated with Metal element disposition) have been thrown into chaos. The rhythms of the Metal element are separating the pure from the impure - rhythmically breathing in, and breathing out. Inspiration bringing new energy, and expiration discarding and letting go of that which is no longer useful. My breathing has been disrupted for months - shortness of breath, dyspnea, and emotions of grief, worry, and sadness which are all associated with the Metal element and dysfunction of the Lungs. I have thrown myself into chaos - that which my Metal is trying to sort into order and failing. My Lungs are being smelted by the Fires of Pele, and my life has lost regularity in all patterns - spiritual, emotional, and psychological.

The Carnival:

I am at the mercy of the flotsam and jetsam of this island's inhabitants turning a well-ordered world into utter chaos! Ahhh!! What on earth possessed me to think that uprooting my entire life, forging into the unknown of no income, and plopping myself in faith in the middle of an island that changes shape at the whim of a Volcano's lava flows would provide me with stability that I need to nurture me on my path of self-development?

I am learning the elemental truths of life. How can I embrace this chaos and find my solid foundation. Its interesting to consider that my closest friends back home are both Earth, and while their lives do not contain an abundance of the Metal element in their personalities but as Earth, they nourish my Metal and allow me my order-creation machinery to run while providing me the foundation and stability offered by the Earth Element.

Even my whole prior career has been creating order out of chaos in a corporate setting - software development, to project management, to strategic product development and leadership - my secondary element Water - giving me the love of philosophy and understanding of the psychological undercurrents of life, and Fire - giving me the joy and exuberance with which to bring people together for a common purpose.

It is within my new career as an acupuncturist that my life's goal will be to create order within the lives of my patients through restoring them to their own elemental balance and constitutional health. I hope I reach that goal - but I must find a place of order - either by finding or creating it here, or by returning to the support of my home in Maryland.

As for me, I'm at a loss as to how to embrace this chaos - how to make peace with it - how to make it work for me. But the silence of this evening has been a gift of self discovery - and the stillness of Water has allowed me to delve into the waters of my inner psyche/pscyho and find a still point of the self-satisfaction of having been granted new knowledge.

Water & Metal along the Kohala Coast...

Into the Future...

The short sale process with my bank has began. An era of my life is coming to an end this month. An 8 year journey with my company, and a 3 year love hate relationship with my house. Today marked the initiation of a major financial change, and the last work-related conversation I had with my replacement. The company, though they miss me, is moving on splendidly without me - the changes taking place are exciting to watch, and I fear for my department's staff not being able to keep up with the increasing demands for excellence that the new infusion of blood is expecting of them. I am sympathetic to their plight as they try to detach themselves from bad habits and internal cultural climate that necessitated cutting corners, a climate made a long time ago which now come back to haunt everyone.

What goes up, must come down...

As for me? Basic relatively. Yin and Yang. As an aside, the theory of relativity and the modern scientific revolution occurred only within 5-10 years of the introduction of the Yin and Yang theory and theory of Qi from the far East into Europe. Likewise, the chief physicist credited with the invention of quantum physics had been chiefly inspired by Yin Yang theory and in fect changed his family crest to that of the Yin Yang symbol.

All decisions good or bad have repercussions. I am learning this the hard way. I'm happy that I'm fully aware that all of what has been happening to me is based on complete culpability on my part as a result of years of decision making that created my life as it is today - but that still doesn't mean that dealing with any of this is easy. Much of my life I have not had to worry about consequences - partly because I've lived a fairly self-sheltered life, avoiding overly questionable decisions and situations in life. Most of my personality is structured around risk mitigation, and prevention - two traits that were the basis for a successful career in project management and departmental leadership, with all the politics that it entailed. Fairly good judgement, blessing, and good luck have been with me all my life. Yet, I still cannot escape consequences of the area which I have always terribly neglectful - dealing with conflict with an authority figure, and being financially smart and responsible. In my career I never had to deal with conflict. Most of the conflict I managed to prevent, and any and conflict that did exist, I found myself very capable at mitigating.

My financial situation is a mess, however. I owe much tax and will be cleaning that up along with selling the house which I can no longer afford - a house that should have been sold a long time ago had it not been for the economic collapse. I knew my contract arrangement with my job would eventually end, but I had banked of not having the house payment to worry about as I had intended to sell my property when I decided to leave Maryland in pursuit of school in Hawaii.

Today's conversation with the bank was very difficult for me. I lost many hours of sleep last night fearing the conversation, its repercussions, and angry reprimands from an unknown man behind the curtain. Instead, the conversation with 4 different departments was very pleasant, quick, and matter of fact. There was no bear. They will send me forms I must fill out, and a family friend who's a real estate agent will help me with the rest. I felt relief after completing the conversation, and much self-recrimination for how hard I resist doing things which may involve situations of conflict. The pain, and anguish over the decision to go through with a short sale and letting go of my house was completely self-imposed, and after the conversation was replaced with tears of sadness for the internal battle, and tears of joy for having completed it. The next phantom that I will have to battle in my head is the image of the IRS.

Emotional Recovery...

In addition to today's progress financially, I am very pleased to report that my mental and emotional health over the last 3 days has been the best its ever been in since the start of school last September. I owe much of it to a teacher at the school who went above and beyond in writing down and researching for me points which I can stimulate, as well as recommending an herb that I might consider taking to restore my Spleen Qi.

I have been emotionally in pieces over the past 6 months and my depression had been getting worse. The research she provided me inspired me to take my healing into my own hands rather than considering returning to a life on anti-depressants. Applying moxibustion to the points CV12, 6, 17 helped calm down my energy and settle my emotions down - points which I had used on occasion before but not together. I've also added SP9 and ST36. Additionally, based on her suggestion of gently tonifying the Spleen with Fu Ling (Poria Cocos), and another teacher's suggestion to try Gan Mai Da Zao Tang decoction (Licorice, Wheat, and Jujube Date decoction to pacify the mind) I decided to create an herbal prescription from my home apothecary which included herbs which I had not had to use for a long time, and certainly not in the current combination. The formula consists mainly of Spleen Qi tonics, Drain Damp herbs, and pacify the Spirit herbs. It includes such herbs as Albizzia flower and bark, Poria, Polygala, Wheat, Jujube Dates, Licorice, Dioscorea, Atractylodes, and Ginger. Albizzia has been used in the pharmacopeia to heal the effects on the body of too much grief, while many of the other herbs gently tonify the Spleen and drain away dampness.

Chinese medicine regards that a person's Spirit/Mind has 5 aspects that are governed each by the 5 Yin organs. The Spleen governs the Intellect/Memory/Cognative ability. The Kidney governs the Will Power and determination. The Liver governs the Etherial soul that create dreams and plans life's purpose. The Lung governs the Corporial soul that sustains the autonomic functioning of the body. The Heart, which governs the Mind as an organ which synthesizes and incorporates all aspects of consciousness. Naturally the organs here are regarded as metaphors of the energetic system represented by each organ, and not as the solid grouping of cells that constitute the physical organ itself.

The effects of the formula are mild but distinctive. My main symptoms have included sadness, crying, shortness of breath, despondency, perseverative thinking, fear, fatigue, occasional anger and frustration, and an inability to decide on a course of action in most areas of my life. At the center of it all has been my depleted Spleen Qi - a cumulative result of overtaxation of the intellect. My intellectual capacity was exhausted from before Christmas of 2007 through the summer of 2008 with the change in guard at work and the terribly complex sets of projects I was involved in, decision to move to Hawaii with mental effort that the planning entailed, and extremely complex design and technical writing I had to perform right before the beginning of school. In addition to this, school started, I left behind my support structure of great friends and family, and the culmination of changing everything about my life all at once placed me in a state of internal chaos that my taxed intellect has been trying to sort through without success over the past several months.

Exhaustion from these life changes eroded my Spleen Qi and my Heart blood. The formula I'm taking seems to have tranquilized the Heart's emotional constraint from spilling out into the other organs and causing my terribly uncomfortable physiological symptoms of shortness of breath and dyspnea, while the other herbs have been draining dampness from my Spleen and tonifying Spleen Qi. I am hopeful that as I change the formula and remove some of the Spirit-affecting herbs over time that the Spleen Qi will reassert itself again and provide me with the sustained mental energy I need to continue my studying without the emotional repercussions associated with continued Spleen taxation.

I'm still learning the mechanics of all of this, but this is as best as I've come up with in terms of justification of the formula and the analysis of its function and construction. I'm just thankful its working. I no longer seem to be at the mercy of my out of control emotional state.

This week I have four exams. Woo hoo! I'm so excited. :-P

Welcome to 2009

I have returned home to the Big Island after 19 days in Washington DC. The change in scenery and temperature have been filled with mixed emotions. The Vog has reasserted itself and continues to weight heavy on my lungs and thoughts. Normality has returned to the household as my roommates return to their separate quiet ways of picking up the threads of the daily routine.

I find myself confused by my trip to DC and my return here on the nature of community, my place here, or my potential return to DC due to financial problems and scholastic considerations.

Yesterday I learned first hand the Aloha spirit of the people who live on this island in how they embraced and cared for my roommate Randy after his injury and post-surgical recovery. His boss housed him in Kona after the surgery as he was unable to drive home. The boss's tenants in the downstairs ohana (guest house) have been looking after him and have been cooking him dinner. An email sent by my other roommate Corinne to our classmates regarding Randy's condition elicited a series of inter-student communications that resulted in one of our teacher driving down to treat him on two occasions and asking her church to pray for him. The church providing him with flowers and fruit from members' gardens in addition to their prayers. Another student contacted our herbology teacher who's vacationing on the mainland, who promptly called in a prescription to another student who then filled it from her private apothecary. Yet another student, who's car ended up breaking down got a ride from the beach by friends to Waimea to pick up the prescription and then was driven 40 minutes to Kona to be dropped off to see Randy and deliver the herbal prescription. The people of this island look after a perfect stranger, and take care of each other in a way that is awe inspiring to behold.

In the midst of this my little problems with trying to determine how I will subsist on this island really do pale in comparison to the grace offered by the island. I have a lot of things I need to repair in my life in the next four months - prior to the end of the next trimester - as I try to determine how to get from under a house payment back home, a loss of an income, tax problems, and health issues perpetuated by the Vog and my current depression.

I have been in a perpetual and spiralling vortex of worry, and anxiety over the realities of my situation, all of which have been of my own making, and only worsened by the economy, and a series of unknowable and unpredictable circumstances, and additional information which have occurred over the course of living here. The island has been giving me mixed signs - either its trying to kick me off, or its trying to keep me through the examples of the community that could exist here. Mostly its been giving me a stark contrast between my former life, the people, the place, the pace, the environment, the society, services, arts, cost of living, and all aspects of life. There is nothing that is familiar here, and I find myself tethered to my former responsibilities in DC which have the potential to reintegrate me back into DC - its familiarity, the community, and its many shortfalls.

Depression has firmly taken over my life since September. Conflict over staying or returning are driving me insane. The pro and con lists of either decision keep changing by the day. My former Fire personality has been subsumed the deep dysfunctions of Metal and Earth pathologies.

Steps involved in the resolution of my financial problems associated with my house include foreclosure, bankruptcy, or short sale, with inevitable consequences to all of the savings in my struggling 401K and other minor investments - essentially leaving me completely broke after all is said and done. With no income, and the possibility of a total loss of all savings has me facing the possibility of dropping out of school in order to return to work so as to pay for my mortgage - a mortgage on a house which was supposed to have been sold if not for the economy. To return to work full time to pay for a mortgage payment (regardless of what I'm getting for the rental of the property), plus rent in Hawaii would neither be possible to find on island, nor logical in lieu of the reason for my being here being attending school.

In addition to these concerns, insecurities over my current Masters program being the one that is right for me, versus a Five Element school back in DC further add to my confusion as to what the next steps of my scholastic career should be given the holistic education offered by the Five Element school, versus the more technical and less holistic approach offered through my current school, not to mention the possibility of abandoning the opportunity of a lifetime to learn a highly specialized technique of Japanese acupuncture only taught through my current institution.

Both schools teach and produce great acupuncturists, but the Five Element school I've seen has cultivated the integrative and holistic roots of the medicine its teaching. Its education embodies the dedicated stand for the direct creation of individuals who embody the medicine in body, mind, and spirit. Without the curriculum and the teachers standing for the transformation of the individual at the core level of their being, the quality of the practitioners seems solely dependent on the maturity of each individual, their individual predisposition and personal levels of development in what it means to be a healer and not the systemic and dedicated education by teacher-practitioners who are on fire to generate exceptional individuals out of this program and to literally transform the community as a result of their work. The Five Element school I've seen teaches the 'soft skills' (for lack of a better word) that to me seem to be at core of the efficacy of treatment and at the fundamental source of the medicine which first attracted me to this profession. The catch with the Five Element school - they require a bachelors degree - a degree which I do not require for the majority of TCM schools which accept only 60 credits. The possibility of needing to abandon this field of study for 1-2 years while I finish a bachelors in order to attend this school is painful to consider.

If I were to return to DC, I would need to get rid of my house in order to be able to go to school while only earning a living through a part time job to cover expenses. The only possibility of a job that I can see right now which would pay for the high cost of my existing mortgage would be
to return to my former employer, if they would have me, and negotiating a schedule that would permit me to engage in my studies.

To keep the house is to need a job. To have a job that will pay what I need to cover cost of living is to return to DC. To return to DC is to abandon Acupuncture unless the Five Element school will wave their Bachelors requirement (a narrow, but not entirely impossible possibility), or else study a completely unrelated Bachelors degree for 1-2 years just to get back into the school back home. To return to DC and keep the house and go to school is to consider the possibility of returning to my former workplace. To short sell the house is to ruin my credit and 14 years of 401K investments regardless of whether I stay in Hawaii or return to DC.

Collectively, these issues are creating fear, isolation, loneliness, confusion, frustration, and deep anxiety over what I'm doing here, whether this place is the place for me, anxiety over whether its not, and anxiety over what to do in either case.

Today after driving to Kona to pick up Randy from his doctor's appointment and drive his car back home, I've been reading a great book on the history of Reiki. Its reawakened my desire to get treatment. I've started the process of looking for a Reiki community group which would be willing to exchange Reiki treatments.

My problems and concerns will be here until they're resolved. Talking with my friends, family, and roommates has helped get these issues off my chest. I have a couple of next steps which I'm resisting doing, but I'll need to start embarking on them this month. I am praying for courage, faith, clarity, and luck.

School starts tomorrow.