Building the Pharaoh's Pyramids

A man comes into the world alone, and leaves this wold alone. I don't remember who said that, but I was reminded of it today as I walked along a ridge close to my home which overlooks the mountains.

For many years I questioned what I wanted to be when I grew up - or rather, what would my life look like in old age. The first image I had many years ago prior to starting studies in Asian philosophy and medicine was that I would be sitting at a cafe in Florence, having a cup of coffee, reading a book, and watching the world go by like one of those old timers sitting on a bench, a whole life reflected in wise eyes. My work life would finally be over, I no longer needed to prove anything to anyone or make a living, I could finally breath a sigh of relief after quitting the high paced work life and give up the ghost of my 50 year career journey, I'd finally 'retire' and just sit there - exhausted - and resting.

The image that replaced it was one of a sage living up in the mountains in a small hut by a lake. I never thought much of these romanticized notions of my elder years, but the images would come to me every so often. What I failed to realize was that both of these romanticized notions had in common was that I was alone in both of them. Finally, the world had left me alone, I didn't need to do anything for anybody else and I could be left to my peace. No more drudgery and getting up to do something I didn't like so that I could get a paycheck and pretend I was happy by spending it on whatever would anesthetize the pain of 50 years of a 9-5 meaningless life - a life carting stones to build the pharaohs' pyramid as a slave to the empire.

What I failed to see until perhaps 6 months to a year ago is that both of these ends would be incredibly solitary, lonely, and fueled by a deep pain of being rejected by the world - a world where everyone's for themselves and doesn't really give a fuck about me. I would selflessly give everything, and the pharaohs would take, take, take, till there was nothing left of me.

Forced to give the best years of my life to the pharaohs I'd finally reject society with a big fuck you and live out the rest of my days in well deserved solitude and peace - of course, after paying my taxes to the pharaoh's for allowing me to live on 'their' land.

Those images of retirement looked serene at first, but upon closer inspection revealed the bile, anger, pain, and loneliness of a life lived without making a difference, nor a life where a difference was really made for me. Noone really contributes to anyone anymore. Noone brings you food or vegetables from their garden, or some extra fish they caught that week.

In the realization I knew that I didn't want to be alone and that this end is not what I want at all. What I want is a belonging, and a purpose to the very end - rather than washing my hands clean of life and being left in peace to have my white picket fence guarding MY land, my only, my precious. But how can one achieve this while still living in a culture that strives to tie you to the yoke for your life only to let you finally die in peace when you've served your best years as a pack animal.

Working till the last day of my life also seemed completely unappealing. And perhaps its because of feeling like I have to work and make a living to not be stoned by society that I have felt trapped and prodded like a caged animal in a circus to perform - as if this is the role that I was born to do and have failed somehow to recognize and quietly resign myself to and be thankful that at least I'm fed for my performance. The fact that I spent over a decade in formal schooling to learn stuff I wouldn't need, and14 years in the work force and accepted this as a totally normal part of life - one that I shouldn't question but simply live out, and collect my meal ticket at the end of work day is mind-boggling. The fact that people spend their whole lives, decade after decade in the work force and accept it as a normal part of life is astonishing. Its so accepted as an unquestioned assumption of life that it never looks astonishing at all, but simply how life is.

The reasons behind why this suffering exists in the world was never made clear by anyone. By no religion Eastern nor Western, and by no philosopher. It was certainly never explained to me by my parents, nor to them by their parents, not to them by their parents. Christians and Jews said it was 'the fall' - a story that never got explained to me to my satisfaction as explaining why we really suffer. Even Buddha didn't know why the suffering existed. His statement was that all life is suffering. This is simply how life is.

You are born, you must be thrown into a box to be given a standard education in stuff you'll forget and never need, and chose something useful to do with your life (hopefully its something you'll like to do, but 90% of us don't end up doing what we like to do), or have something forced upon you and you'll work like the rest of us have to, get your check, and be completely free to live you life with what's left of it. And if you ever think of dropping out of the game, and not working like the rest of us but becoming a bum, we'll stone you! Ok, ok.. we won't stone you.. we'll just give you the evil eye, we're resent you, and maybe feel sorry for you because obviously you want the rest of us to feed you and give you money at the intersection just so you stop looking at us as we're pulled up at the stop light. We'll resent your homelessness, we'll call you names, conclude there's something wrong with you, and perhaps will sigh as the light turns green and we pass you by - "what a waste of a life. He could have been a lawyer, or a doctor, or a plumber, or electrician - something useful. He could have been one of us and spent the best years of his life working for the pharaohs like the rest of us. He must be sick or demented to not want that if he prefers to live on the street". Its ok, we have TV, good wine, hard liquor, the latest Apple products, movies, valium, breast enlargements, designer clothing, SUVs, massages, colonics, healthy diets, acupuncture treatments, past life regression, therapy, aura visualization, inner child work, sex, drugs, and rock'n roll, and religion etc to numb the pain and compensate for the lack of freedom, joy, happiness, and fulfillment. We just need, more, better, or different drugs and distractions to make the pain go away. Perhaps if we just crack the DNA code we'll find out what's wrong with us and fix it, like we fix everything else on the planet.

My whole life in school, college, work life, and till a few months ago had these unanswered uncomfortable resignations about life, and the drudgery of it. With money coming out of the bank, nothing coming in, and people wondering "What do you do for the pharaohs to get your allotment of grain from the guarded granarie? Oh, nothing?! You're a bum?! Go get a job damn it." I'm feeling the pressure from all sides. Noone is supposed to live and actually enjoy it. They must work hard and hate every minute of it and then bitch collectively as to why their job sucks more than their partner's, and plop down in front of the TV to numb the mind for the rest of the day.

No wonder so many people commit suicide than to face the alternative to participation in this culture. I could not realize why I felt so uneasy with the notion of working or not working - of participating, or not participating in the game until I started reading the books by Daniel Quinn which opened my eyes to the world as it truly is, the nature of 10,000 years of human civilization, and the prison that all by 1-2% of the world's 6 billion people are in - the prison where the food is locked up and guarded, and you have to work your whole life in order to earn the right to get at it, so that you can sustain your life on this planet. Through reading Quinn's work I realized in astonishment *why* the world is the way the world is, and that there are totally compelling alternatives to living one's life now and into old age which challenges the blueprint of how a 70+ year lifetime of a human being must be spent on this planet.

To go into Quinn's work in this blog entry, or even to mention it without its full context is to do a complete injustice to communicating the impact of his words on my life and the incipience of the existential revolution that is occurring in my life and will most definitely shape my life on this planet, and hopefully for all who are freed from the chains of our cultural prison by encountering his work and realizing the emperor has no clothes.

If my life lacked purposeful structure before, it has surely found one - if only as yet to recognize that it has been without a compelling one, one worth living.

The revolution will be franchised - and it will not be through actions, programs, or a fight against the establishment like that of prior generations. This revolution is in the heart and mind of each human being who wishes a life well lived and who will not compromise on what is authentic to every human being - the right to total power, freedom, and self-expression - not as an individual living a solitary life, but as a member of a community, a new tribe dedicated to living as a community that loves its members and looks after them like nature looks after its own.

Don't worry, I will not grow a long beard, shave my head, join an ashram, wear a saffron robe, live in the woods, renounce civilization and live on the streets and panhandle for a living - though in some ways this seems more appealing. All that is a pretense designed to reject the world rather than embrace it. That is not the purpose of the revolution.

Belonging....

Before encountering Quinn's work I got a horoscope in email several months ago that stated that the following transit will last from May through September in my sector of Career and Vocation:

"You're not sure what you want to be when you grow up, but you're sure that this isn't it. Don't beat yourself up about it. Big goals take a lot of time."

I was not pleased to hear this. There are many times when I don't understand horoscopes and their application to my life, especially when highly generalized. Most only give you a layout for one of the 12 signs. The one I've been using was more precisely aligned to my individual chart which raises its accuracy. Whether one believes these things to be guidance from a cosmic clock (which I tend to believe) of known energetic influences (and not destiny) which influence observable changes in behavior much like the moon does on menstrual cycles - or whether one believes it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy which once read tends to manifest (I can't deny this is a factor) - it got me thinking: The statement really leaves me uncomfortable not because it has an ominous implication - but because I resonate with it and have felt very uneasy, shaken, out of place, and certainly not in a place of being comfortable about my life as it is right now. I'm not secure. I'm not in a routine. The horoscope resonated with me on a couple of levels:

1. I am unemployed, and I resent the notion of returning to work in software, or anything else requiring doing anything that I didn't "like", or that I wasn't suited for doing so that I could pay the bills
2. I was in Hawaii doing work that I no longer really wanted to do (because my work is now Five Element), but work which I felt obligated to do because of my prior commitments.

I knew this statement did not apply to my work in the field of healing, and it didn't apply to my new Five Element school in Colorado, as I love this work. When evaluating this statement further I realized that if I were honest with myself I knew there was another level at which I resonated with this:

3. I don't know what to do with my time between intensives after I come back to live in Colorado full time, and I know I don't want to work for the pharaohs, but loafing around and twiddling my thumbs is also not an option. Its boring, unfulfilling, isolative, and lonely. I cannot isolate, I must be around people and contributing in some way. What path I should undertake is completely unclear, and this is the most frustrating reality that the three sentences of my horoscope were asking me to consider i.e.: you don't know what you want, but this isn't it, and don't worry, resolution (of some kind) will come by september.

I know which realm this will take place in. The resolution will be in my career, vocation, and what I do with my day area - the very area that I've a void filled with confusion. What I do know is that whenever someone suggests something "You should do X, or Y, or Z" - I know immediately if it resonates or not. i.e: I certainly know it isn't it when I see it. When I do know is that I'm no longer willing to settle for 'a job', or settle for something that passes the time. I am committed to finding what is authentic for me so that when I do it, I know I will love it, and therefore I will excel at it and it will give me my living.

It may mean a 'job' of some kind - or it may mean living off savings and loans until I am able to open a private practice and in the mean time finding a place to contribute to the community voluntarily in a way that serves.

I am open to receiving guidance and wisdom from the great universe and listening for the signs...

The Tribe of Waimea...

I knew when I left Colorado to go back to Waimea that I didn't want to be there. I was leaving my new Tribe of Louisville behind and losing out on the opportunities to build deeper friendships and concentrate on my school work. I knew I wanted to be home and living in my own place. I knew I didn't want to spend more money on learning in Hawaii. I knew I didn't want to sleep on someone else's bed, and I knew I ultimately do not want to make the modality I'm learning in Hawaii as the focal point of my career. I wanted to be home. But I also knew that I was getting value from my clinic experience, that I was extremely lucky, and that in making my commitment I had to sacrifice my wellbeing for the sake of some greater good out there - that being the creation of the best well-rounded education I can give myself in the arts of acupuncture that are possible with my resources.

When back on the Alcatraz, er, I mean the Big Island, my floating prison - my life was focused on clinic, writing, attempts at doing homework, fighting a toothache, and reading Daniel Quinn's books.

In hanging out at my former school, and chatting with former roommates, students and teachers I knew that I was now a foreigner. An infiltrator. A persona-non-grata. A deserter. A disloyal member of the clan. A defector.

Everyone treated me nicely, smiled, nodded, welcomed me, asked me how I was. I went out to dinner and spent some time with a few former classmates - but ultimately - I was no longer one of them. I didn't share their struggles anymore. And because I didn't share their struggles, I was a marginal individual on the periphery of the social group and no longer an insider. Things were not the same anymore. I knew it. They knew it. And it was as it should be. Its natural. Its normal. When a person leaves the tribe to go to another, they are part of the new tribe. And I missed my new tribe very very much.

On the flight back to Colorado I started to get excited on the leg from Phoenix to Denver. I watched the whole journey out the window and saw the deserts below slowly changing into snow capped mountains with green spreading through the valleys until we were flying above spring manifesting itself along the front range. With each passing mile I was giddy, antsy, and like a puppy who can't wait to get outside from excitement, I felt like my tail was wagging. If it weren't for the fact that it wasn't sanitary, I would have kissed the ground when I got off the plane. I was home.

The Tribe of Louisville...

My tribe here is small, but loving. We're all new to each other, and we're growing closer by the day. When I live here full time I know that we will get closer still. I don't want to leave my new home. I want to become part of the community. What compels me into my new future since reading Quinn's work is changing the context for belonging into one which reestablishes the best of what human nature has to offer - a new tribal revolution. A revolution wherein you are needed as much by the tribe as the tribe is needed by you.

The Tribe of Colorado...

In native tribes the tribe was all there was, and all that needed to be. You had all your needs met through the tribe, and you supplied the tribe whatever they needed. This wasn't work. This was simply being and responding to each other's needs and helping eachother because the tribe knew that their survival was depended on your survival, and that your survival depended on the survival of the tribe.

You contribute to the life of the tribe whatever abilities, skills and resources you have, and the tribe supports you, gives you food, clothing, a place to belong, a meaning for your day to day life which directly impacts all others.

A tribe is not a commune. A commune is a group of people with a common belief structure that unites them together but without the requisite skills to really succeed at running a self-sustained community. A tribe, however, is a group that self-references. Gives purpose and meaning to each member and is defined through the contribution and participation of each member to the tribe. It has no hierarchy of power. Its self-policing, based on reciprocity, integrity and authentic contribution.

This is the tribe I wish to belong to, this is where I want to make my living and feel like I'm making a difference. What that looks like is an unknown. With enough people wandering the world looking for a tribe, we may find each other and in small ways contribute to eachother's lives and well-being in a way that gives our time on this planet a meaningful existence.

I will give my services and time to those who will give me food, money, and clothes for my back in exchange for my helping them in their lives as directly as I can so that none of us need to work in a meaningless 9-5 job anymore building pyramids for the pharaohs.

I paraphrase of words spoken by Dianne Connelly of Tai Shophia as she addressed a community workshop:

“You think that you’re here for you. You are not here for you. You are here for the seven generations of humanity that lives, breathes, and walks this earth today. You are here for the your generation, all parents, grandparents and great-grandparents, all children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. You are a part of the seven generations, and we are a part of you.
You were brought here to help ensure that the generations continue and do not forget the sacred knowledge of nourishing life passed down through the ages.
If you seek a meaning for your life, what greater meaning is there than that of contribution to the generations that have given you life.”

In the words of George Bernard Shaw:

“This is the true joy in life. The being used for a purpose, recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no “brief candle” to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got a hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.”

My ad in the Planet Earth Times will read ...

"31 y/o single white male, seeks tribe. Willing to contribute to wellbeing of others. References available upon request."

3/20/10 - Bitter Coffee

I’m in Chicago at my ZB II workshop on the last two days before the equinox. The weather is heating up, the birds are singing and the frenetic activating wood energy is rising. Frustration with progress is abounding. I went in to Starbucks on my way to class and ordered my usual drink. The barista rang it up as another drink name. I told him that if he ran it up the other way it would be $0.10 cheaper. The more senior barista told him to still ring it up as the more expensive drink name because the Venti cup and the extra ice in my drink warrants the extra $0.10. I was too asleep to argue and my insides began fuming as the next guy after me ordered his drink and also requested a cup of ice water without being charged for it. I want my $0.10 damn it!

The next day was no better. Thinking to outsmart the guy I decided to alter my order and attempt another $0.10 subterfuge. To my dismay he still had me ran up at the higher price because he told me that the extra shot I asked in the grande would be more expensive by $0.25 than if he rang it up as the Venti drink the other way – yet still refusing to acknowledge the other way of ringing it up the way I had historically rang it up with every other starbucks in the nation. Exacerbated, I almost sliced the air with my credit card as I handed it to him, secretly hoping my brash response would indicate my level of displeasure. I surprised myself in my reaction on both days as it took me a good half hour to stop fuming over $0.10. By the last day I had resigned myself to ordering it the way he wanted to ring it up. The coffee was even more bitter than my attitude.

That same evening the people in the hotel room next to me decided to have a party. There was at least 6 twenty-somethings in the room laughing and banging against the walls at 11pm. After giving them some time to stay quiet as I lay there trying to muffle my ears with the pillow, I rang the concierge who said he’d put a stop to it.

Wood rising in me is very passive aggressive and I tend to explode internally with frustration. I was very happy to have a ZB session which focused a lot around the ribs around my Gallbladder and Liver back points which were abnormally store and painful. The energy of spring resumed unencumbered flow without frustration the following day as my compassion for the world returned once again.

3/13/10 – Break up

I found myself needing to break off a relationship with someone who I had gone out with on a few dates. The regarding of it as a ‘relationship’ was really necessitated by the fact that he had come on extremely strong and desired a far bigger commitment than I was willing to give – while deciding to call me his boyfriend on the second date. For him it was a relationship, for me it was a few dates. For me the dates where a whirlwind of intense amounts of warmth and intimate conversations exchanged between two Fire elements where the intensity and depth of conversation had gone from 0 to 100 mph in no time. Per my prior post, this is a great example of the fantasy of a huge blaze which can be created in the mind of a Fire constitution from what in reality is just a stick, a few leaves and perhaps a little smoke – very boring and underwhelming.

By the third date, however (which was a full month apart due to travels) I found myself smothered and burnt-out by the amounts of phone calls and messages that were on my phone. I knew that ultimately I needed to end future encounters and return back to reality.

Ending a relationship for me is akin to withdrawing the warmth of my Fire from someone. I don't like withdrawing warmth - it seems counter to my nature. A fellow Fire constitution friend at school told me "The way we break up with people is - I'm breaking up with you, but please continue to love me even though I don’t want you in my life anymore". Another way of saying that is “Lets just be friends”. Its such a foundational need - the need to be loved, liked, and understood that comes out of the Fire CF, its ridiculous - the alternative is rejection, misunderstanding and loneliness which causes sadness and lifelessness.

My friend Suzy noted that there seems to be a fundamental assumption for the Fire constitution that they will be unloved, uncared for and unrecognized unless they continue to pour all this warmth all over everything and make everyone feel better about decisions, actions and needs.

I can see that since the very early formative years of my childhood, most of what I remember occurred in three homes in Poland (paternal grandparents, maternal grandparents, and parent’s home in Warsaw). The fundamental ‘story’ I created from a very early age is that I must provide joy, laughter and entertainment if I am to be loved and noticed. Though I had plenty of evidence that my parents and my maternal grandparents always loved me as a child, I did not feel the same way in my paternal grandparents’ home.

In that home there was a perceived scarcity of love and attention and unless I was warm and pleasing, put smiles on people's faces and did exactly what I was told, I was ignored and in short – unloved and rejected. There were many things which my grandfather in particular did which I remember scared me into line as a child, and no matter what warmth I gave, it was never enough.

What causes the constitution in a person is unknown, and whether various incidents in those years ‘created’ the constitutional imbalance, or whether the imbalance was created far earlier, or was born into me is unknown. What I do know is that the lens of my childhood and my years to come centered around the conviction of being misunderstood, unloved, and ignored unless I behaved. It is because of those years that I never grew close to the family in Warsaw and have to this day remained cold and unemotional in response to those times.

My constitutional Fire element seeks to create love and joy in everyone as an imperative to create that which I perceived as being insufficient in my environment and insufficient in my heart. The Fire pathology I’m describing here is a Small Intestine/Heart Fire pathology versus a Pericardium/Triple Heater Fire pathology which is slightly different.

In learning how to behave in those years, I bring into all my relationships a fundamental fear of being rejected. I project that this same set of feelings that accompany rejection will be made in another if I don’t shield them from my rejection of them. I either don’t reject anyone and let friendships and relationships persist long after their natural end should have come, or I reject people first and shut them out of my life at the earliest hint of being rejected or the perceived notion that I will be rejected by them. This has me write overly discriminate between who I will pursue in friendship/relationship and who I won’t. It may have very little with whatever virtues the person has or hasn’t but instead has mostly to do with how I will be perceived by them. The grip of this belief structure has weakened over the years and I no longer care as much about what people think of me as I used to.

It is through this need to always end up looking like ‘Mr. Nice guy’ and never making anyone feel bad that I developed the tools of being politically correct and understanding of where all people are coming from. When I attempt to end conversations, I only feel like I have succeeded if I have created warmth in another and ensured that they didn’t feel rejected by me but felt embraced and heard in the time we spent together. This mechanism is extremely tiring and again no longer has the same grip on me it once used to.

This need to prevent myself from being rejected is what prevents me from rejecting what isn’t wholesome in others. Its what has me attempt to transform any perceived negative into a positive. This core belief is so fundamental to my constitution. Rejecting someone rather than embracing them in understanding fundamentally has me commit the worst thing a person can do to another - to reject, and close off from the warmth of being in connection with, and understanding someone fully. The Small Intestine portion of the constitution also believes that anything can be transformed from impure to pure substance - any relationship, any negativity - its all subject to the possibility of transformation. This has me be gullible and accept anyone no matter how potentially unwholesome because of the belief that there is fundamental good in them that I can always see and seek to excavate.

So for fire - the deepest need is to be understood - therefore understanding and warmth is what the fire constitution gives. The Small Intestine component transforms impure into pure by shining light on only the good, the possible, the potential of what can be, while ignoring the mud. The problem is, this can mean a lack of discrimination when there is so much mud, because only the fundamental potential for good and wholeness is seen as the end goal to the alchemical process of relationship.

Suzy asked what would happen if I break up with someone, and they say “oh yeah? you don't want to be with me? Screw you then!". I’d be perfectly ok for a while, perhaps even happy that they didn’t want to still remain with me and I’d have to find other ways to let them down easy. Then I’d probably attempt to ruminate why I pissed them off so much, and how I can still be friends with them, because I don’t want them to perceive that I rejected them. I refuse to be the ‘perpetrator of rejection’. Unless I remember that the other person is an adult and does not have the same pathology as I do, then I can let them be who they are without trying to shield them from the perceived rejection which I’m ‘inflicting on them’. One of the life themes to balance in the Fire element is the feeling of being a victim and imagining that others are your victim unless you love them unconditionally and constantly turn the other cheek. It's a disgustingly disturbing thought process. Luckily there is enough self-awareness enough of the time where this doesn’t play itself out completely subconsciously.

The Small Intestine has a hard time realizing when out of balance that it doesn't have to sort through something that is 80% crap to extract 2% good. This is what I attempted to do with my prior two year relationship. He was a Metal Large Intestine constitution and was constantly shitting on everyone. The only thing that tempered and controlled that behavior was unconditional love and Fire that melted his rigidity and saw through his shit into the gold. Unfortunately the consequence was that I fell in love with who he could have been, and not who he was. I fell in love with the 2% good and decided it was worth holding onto the remaining dysfunctional 80% for the 2% that I had found.

There seems to be a constitutional theme to every element. The very thing that is deficient in a person that creates their constitutional imbalance is the very thing that they attempt to create externally in the world as a gift for those who are deficient in it. So - doing something 'for someone' is an expression of the recognition of authentic need of that in the world. So - I make things better or okay for people, because it gives them warmth and light in times when they need that and don't have it themselves. When others have rejected them, I bring them warmth and attention. In the same way I come to believe that it exists in the world and I get that emotional need and warmth fulfilled in myself.

Fundamental Themes of this Small Intestine Fire Constitution:

• I deserve nothing and therefore must work for it by being as warm, loving and compassionate as I can so as to have unconditional love in my life (so goes the story).
• I must transform negative into positive and always look to find the good in a person because I’m ‘supposed to’ at all costs love someone despite them being an asshole.
• Complements wash off me like water off a duck’s back, because no matter how nice I am now and how much I have listened to and understood you till now, I will one day disappoint you. I will not be able to keep up with the bar I’ve set, and you’ll reject me eventually anyway.
• I’m not worthy of love. So I accept anything that looks similar, close, or a good enough substitute.
• I'm unlovable, and will be rejected for [insert reason here].

Therefore…

• I will love and find things in everyone that is lovable, and reject noone
• I will reject love if I see it as threatening, luck luster, and capable of breaking my heart
• I will also prefer to feel alone and lonely by avoiding content so as not to be rejected, then to connect and then suffer the potential of rejection

What now?

I'm told that one never ‘gets rid of’ one’s constitutional imbalance – one can only bring it more into balance within itself and with the remainder of the elements and mitigate its impact on one’s life through Five Element acupuncture treatment. In meditation one can watch it and observe its skewed thought processes and belief patterns and one may even seek to remain more conscious of it in the everyday walk of life so that it becomes a source of potential amusement.

At the core of my Fire there is a sense of accomplishment when I'm able to create, harness, or hold onto the warmth of being in relation with someone - this presence of warmth is intoxicating and deeply nourishing. I'm mediocre at being able to create that for myself where I am whole and complete needing nothing - because needing nothing implies for me - needing noone. Isolation is a theme in my life. I felt isolated in my childhood all the time and this isolation became a core issue of my life.

The only times when I am able to convent loneliness into solitude (a state of being content and whole while alone) is when I am in communion with nature and my studies of medicine and of what separates people from people (the Small Intestine Fire imperative for processing life). When I'm not busy studying the arts of transformation of pure into impure, and the separation of pure from impure through the study and observation of the human condition, I crave people - attention & warmth. When that's not there, I feel cold and alone. I don’t need to be surrounded with people as much as the Pericardium / Triple Heater constitution does, as for me the alchemical process of transformation of relationships is more personal and transpersonal rather than interpersonal and social.

This is my most current understanding of my Small Intestine Fire constitution and my fundamental state. I know nothing beyond operating on my basic imperative. Ultimately its what I will be bringing into clinic.

The Heart component of my constitution (The Supreme Controller and unifying ruler for all the Officials) expressed itself most vividly in my prior profession. In my professional capacity as a project manager my job was to sort through complicated problems and relationships that prevented people from getting along and then offering an understanding and solutions for them where all were valued equally. Through streamlining communications between them and instructing each group on how important it is individually to the operation of the whole organism, I would be unifying all their needs by creating interdependence between them that was based on mutual warmth and understanding. Ultimately this would result in a fulfillment of needs with everyone expressing joy and warmth in contributing to each other’s success and the success of the whole. Political aptitude arises out of the Supreme Controller’s imperative to keep the kingdom at peace – learning to say that needs to be said so that everyone gets along.

In my acupuncture practice this translates to my creating an energy of understanding in my clients that eliminates the boundaries of separation from their loved ones and from joy in life so that love for their whole being can be expressed and can go into the world and affect their families and friends.

Learning to soften the blow of telling someone what they don’t want to hear was and will continue to be a source of contention for me because of my desire to stay out of direct confrontation. This fundamentally robs me of the balls to say what needs to be said to confront people where they are not at cause in the matter of their health for fear of them rejecting me as their practitioner.

I’m reminded by a 74 year old Jewish Greek grandmother who attended my Zero Balancing II class in Chicago a few weeks ago. She said “I realized a year ago that I no longer need to do anything for nobody. So screw you all. You’re all adults and can all take care of yourselves just fine. And if you can’t, too bad. And boy do I feel free to be myself and just live. Now if someone wants a ZB session, sure I’ll give you one, I wouldn’t mind getting one either”.

Hmmm ... :)

3/12/10 – Mallory Cave & Musings on Fire …

On my hike to Mallory cave I noted the distinct difference between life occurring in shadow and life occurring in the sun. On the cusp between Winter and Spring the distinctions between Cold and Warm are clearer to see.

When in shadow we’re cold and alone. When the sun comes out, everything warms, expands and moves out towards the sun in camaraderie. All the shrubs and bushes turn to the warmth. All the animals and plants start to hum and expand in its presence. It is spring – let us get into the sun and bask in it. Such is the need for Fire.

When watching people interact with each other it clear to see the function of the Pericardium (Heart Protector). The assumption for all interactions in this world is that it isn’t safe. We must be guarded and closed first and test the waters of safety. People must earn our trust and then we will open up. This can be seen in social circumstances as people fold their arms over their chest (protecting their Heart) or walk in a very self-contained, vulnerable and monitored way. Gradually as conversation and warmth is exchanged the barriers melt, people unfold their arms, expand and relax in chairs, exposing their chest and creating more space for the expansion of radiant warmth. Culturally the lands of every-present sunshine exhibit cultures of open warmth, exchange, and communication.

In a perpetual quest for warmth the Fire element will want to expand and open up for everyone. Bearing its heart on its sleeve, the Fire element will want for free, open, and in consistent communication and exchange of warmth with everyone. For fear of having its warmth rejected, the Fire element will reject first, flare up, scorch and be dismissive to anyone it suspects will not return warmth, will reject it or misuse the trust that is extended. In rejecting first it protects itself from being burnt in a one-sided pursuit of warmth with another. Feeling like its warmth will be used as a way of reaching its vulnerable inner sanctum, it will clamp down the Pericardium (Heart Protector) around itself. Cold and dismissive, it will avert its attention as if the person doesn’t exist – punishing them, it creates in them the very isolation and rejection that it itself suffers from the most.

In its interactions with the world it fears that people will only bask temporarily in its warmth and leave, failing to appreciate the unconditional love it has to give.

Natural leaders, Fire element constitutions will rule with understanding, and magnanimity giving warmth equally to all. Like the Sun which gives warmth unconditionally to all, the Fire constitution has people constantly around them so that it can manifest unconditional understanding and love to all. Like a fire that consumes all fuel available to it, it can be selfish and gather people around it to fan its flames, whether it is an audience or staff in the office. Having the need for showmanship, it consumes experiences, has great desires (sexual, material, relational). This will manifest as an individual who is the center (the sun) of attention in a constant need to perform for the entertainment of others, so that its fuel for warmth to quell internal loneliness doesn’t run out. Exhausting itself, it will exhaust others. This can manifest as someone who collects friends like a coin collection – always having someone on speed dial when they get lonely.

When the wounds to the heart are too deep and emotional blows have weakened the Pericardium, the Fire constitution will isolate themselves, becoming a hermit – licking its wounds in loneliness, sadness, solitude, and a feeling of being misunderstood. Feeling victimized it will avoid further hurt, or being burned out and used.

Seeing the potential of love, understanding and camaraderie in all, the Fire element falls in love with the fantasy of what a relationship could be rather than what a relationship is. Unaware of the availability of fuel that is being burnt, the Fire element will fall in love with love itself rather than the reality of the depth of connection. Burnt from failed relationships and communications, the ashen color will appear on a lifeless face. In desperation for contact, Fire will reach for intimacy (sexual, mental, spiritual) to complete strangers in the hope to kindle a spark through its outwardly warm demeanor. Like fanning embers where no real fuel is present, the Fire element will create warmth where no warmth exists. Seeking connection it will seek to be friends with all old lovers, distant acquaintances, and will seek to expand on what little influence or commonality it finds with people into epic dramas of deep connections that simply do not exist and which can burn out as quickly and easily as they were started.

Assuming warmth and connection can be had with anyone in a space of full disclosure and understanding, the Fire constitution will disclose itself to the degree of safety it feels abounds. Feeling brash, open, and free from personal attack (an open Pericardium), it will disclose intimate details of its life regardless of whether it is appropriate or not in an attempt to seek connection. Even if publication of such things is through something as impersonal as a blog ;)

03/06/10 – En Route to Eldorado Springs

Driving by the houses en route to Eldorado Springs on Cherryvale Avenue – the issue of resources and who has enough and who doesn’t are reflected in how each house is maintained. The poverty and seeming lack of life is reflected in some houses with boarded up windows. I can see in these properties how the scarcity of resources evokes anxiety, the showing of paranoia and need for protection of your homestead, your family and your possessions. People who don’t have enough tend to be afraid of their neighbor and to suspect a villain at every turn. To look at these houses I feel the austere danger of potential harm welling up in me at the thought of approaching a window and peaking inside. The kind of paranoia that accompanies the dilapidated house, yellowed curtains in the window, with a tire in the yard hanging from a tree, piles of fire wood, an old beat-up truck in the garage, and tin cans riddled with bullet holes is the kind of paranoia that necessitates strong resolve and the ability to plan for the worst case scenario. When paranoia is strong, it gives birth to such things as the second amendment – the apparent need to bare arms to protect your loot.

I notice in me how the lack of resources and my lack of security through not having work evokes a feeling of paranoia. Over the years of taxing my bladder reserves, and my Liver and Gallbladder through years of heavy drinking and constant stress at work further added strain to the two channels that support moving forward into the world with confidence (Bladder channel), and with the necessary judgment and decision making abilities (Gallbladder channel) to plot a clear, strong, and steady course ahead in life. These two channels are the primary channels of my hair loss, and of my left hip stiffness, sore shoulders and back pain that flare up on occasion when decision making and exhaustion take their toll. These two channels are what primarily give me physical pain as a result of the many years of stress, anxiety, and constant decision making at work in an environment where we had no idea if our company would survive through the many years I worked there.

I notice in me how my low reserves of the water element evoke a feeling of paranoia. When water is low, the fear of the bank coming after me, anxiety of bills having to get paid, of not having a job, not knowing where money’s going to come from gives me racing thoughts, darting eyes, and an overactive nervous system (Bladder meridian). Unlike the deep Kidney Yin fear of constitutional reserves, this Bladder Yang fear is all to do with gathering, storing, and measuring out resources for day-to-day survival. Feeling anxious, thoughts racing, this subject, next subject – what am I going to do, how am I going to earn my living. What’s next? This nervous activity is exhausting to my adrenals, and taxes all my abilities, cleverness, and resources in determining how to make my store of monetary reserves last.

Decision-making power (Wood) to pursue a particular course of action isn’t strong when the Water reserves aren't strong. Nothing can be resolved unless security is resolved first. It’s very difficult to make any decisions (Wood) unless you have courage (Water) and know that you have what it takes to beat through what needs to be beaten through. This anxiety seems to intensify for me as we get closer into spring – as things start heating up and the promise of new movement is starting to shake things up. There’s a pent up energy that is felt as people are rearing to go. They just want to go – they have this impatience. Waiting for the spring to hit as soon as is humanly possible – counter to what nature wants. When the spring is ready, the spring is ready. I’m impatient with impatient people, and I’m impatient with myself and with my progress in most things. I want the wherewithal to go go go and forge my future not some day, but now.

In the coming of spring the waters of winter are loosed and the snows melt and everything starts to flow. The same way when people are ready to embark on a new project all of their resources, skills, abilities and cleverness are put to use in the execution of plans.

At the cusp of Water moving into Wood – of Winter turning into Spring is this frenetic energy – when will this winter end – when can we stop resting and just go! After I finishing these thoughts, I turned on the radio and some guy in synchronicity mentioned that he too has spring fever. He can’t wait to get out into the garden and start planting new lettuces and spring vegetables. Takes only a few warm days in the spring to get antsy. It becomes even more frustrating when the winter snows come as Yin and Yang alternate rapidly and finally resting in equilibrium within the rising of the Yang energy of spring. In the same way, when we go from rest (Water) into manifesting an idea (Wood), that initial start/stop and the frustration that accompanies clearing the roadblocks manifest most strongly this time of year in movement of energy from the Bladder and Kidney Officials to the Liver and Gallbladder Officials.

The anxieties and fears of water remind me distinctly of two personalities I’ve encountered in my recent past both of whom I suspect as Water constitutions. When we are afraid, we seek reassurance that everything will be ok. When a person is constitutionally Water the issues of fear, anxiety, boundaries and reassurance rise to the surface.

I’m reminded of J and his watery and dazed eyes that stare into the depths and reflect on life. Not wide with fear, but unsure of destination. Clever, quick witted, yet cool, reserved, controlled, held back and with clear boundaries. He evokes in me an anxiety to be around him – not knowing where or what he will do next – whether what he said is in jest, or whether he is being serious.

K with no boundaries gets into my face and her eyes are wild, wide, angry and on point. We became quick friends as we traded verbal wit over the year we got to know each other on the island. She invited me to a going away dinner party at the end of my year after I announced I was leaving to move to Colorado. A couple of my friends and I turned up at her house to find her completely drunk. She said she was sorry but she had too much anxiety to be hosting for people and feels socially inept unless she drinks. Come to find out later she did the same thing to sabotage herself on her first date with a new guy. She drinks to quell her fear of social connection. During the whole evening that followed she begged me not to leave, and was then seeking reassurance over and over again that I would be back. She made me promise four times before I left for the evening. I had to hold her hands and stare her in the eyes each time as I did so – but no amount of reassurance would satisfy her and as I finally said goodbye for the night, she dismissed me, convinced that this was the last time she’d see me.

As the cold air blasts me and forces me to recoil and curl in to conserve what's precious, there’s a recoil when I’m confronted with the Water element. A pause of sorts – do I have what it takes to have this interaction right now, what do I need to react to the situation appropriately. I find my reaction to be similar around J and K.

Having reached the trailhead of Eldorado Canyon I parked, packed my backpack and headed down the unknown trail towards the jagged cliffs in the distance. As I wandered through the wilderness on a path that had an unknown, but hopefully fruitful destination, with no one in sight, and having told no one where I was going – would I have what it would take to confront a mountain lion if its hunger sought me out, or would I survive the night and be found if I fell down a ravine and broke my leg? I felt myself watchful throughout the hike, taking extra care on patches of snow and ice. I wonder if this is the life of a Water constitution – ever watchful, ever fearful, always looking behind their back, always taking time to calculate each step forward, or feeling immobile in their place if they feel inadequate to the task?

I approached a treacherous set of steps covered with snow and ice that led 200 feet down into the canyon. One false step and I would plummet down into the gorge and fall in the freezing raging river below. I paused, considered turning back, but after taking a deep breath I wearily proceeded to take one small step at a time, carving out holes in the ice with the heel of my boot and my hiking pole wherever I could. Descending one foot gingerly at one time, I would calculate each rocky ledge and angles of impact I slipped. I held on to whatever solid object I could find, whether a rock, a tree branch, or a rock wall for support as I inched my way down the steps of doom. When we approach something that is treacherous and we don’t have sure footing and don't have confidence, we can slip and fall and plummet down suddenly into the unknown which is assured to contain pain or even death. Is this why the Water constitution plans out each plan of attack with meticulous precision and cleverness, backing down from any challenge unless they have assured success?

Having made it back out the canyon and to the other side, knowing instinctively that I had taxed my body to my halfway point, I turned around and retraced the 3 miles I had come through this terrain back to my car. Coming out of the switchbacks along the icy mountain paths I emerged back on a path awash with light and warmth. The birds were chirping here with great excitement for the coming spring. Shouting little tiny shouts – meep! meep! meep! - tiny little shouts, with great exuberance – Yay! Life!

As I sat on the side of the road eating a cliff bar and drinking water, four strangers passed me by. A brief lesson in Fire: Each of them had a different way of expressing warmth. The first woman in a bright green shirt with fiery red hair, with a bounding red dog ahead of her smiled brightly and said hi! The one that followed said a quick ‘hey’. The two guys after – one said a quick and short ‘hi’, the one after didn’t say anything, but nodded. The last girl didn’t even look at me but sighed and passed on. I noted that the warmth decreased with each stranger; the leader greeting and the cohorts following. I wonder if when the natural order of that posse changes, the order of warmth would reflect similarly?

02/08/10 – Warm at the Core

As I stepped into the sunlight after many days of being inside I felt myself pause. I closed my eyes, raised my head, expand my chest and breathed in a huge breath warm afternoon air. I stood there, basking, glowing, and expanding in the radiant sun. As a smile and warmth spread across my face and my whole being, the whirling of my mind slowed down and I noticed how all life gravitates towards the sun. The trees reach for it. People gather in places in the middle of the equator where it is warm so that they can celebrate and dance in worship. The South is the direction of brilliance and sunlight and of ever-present warmth. The fluid magma at the center of the earth provides fluid warmth from the inside out without condition. It warms our planet, and is at the heart of our mother Earth. It is this core that gives our planet gravity, the attraction and pull of all things that ‘matter’ towards the center. When the Fire element is burning within us people are attracted to us and gravitate to us much like all the planets that orbit the sun gravitate to its awesome and unconditional warmth. We have the same inner sun inside us, and we too have a personal gravity that has friends and family orbiting us, much as we orbit around those who give us warmth and love in return. We bask in their glow; we open up and warm to them as we brim with joy.

What would happen if our internal suns in our hearts, the sun at the heart of our earth, and the sun at the heart of our galaxy were to burn out? Think about it. Feel it.

What happens when a cloud moves over our heart, or over the sun? Think about it. Feel it.

That feeling is the feeling that accompanies the Fire Constitution who lives in a constant nightmare of the possibility that the sun in their life is about to burn out.

How to Prune a Tree...

This is in response to the last comment on my prior post. I'm glad you liked the story from my Sensei of washing one's hands.

On a personal level I agree with you that when we are in the right environment, have plenty of water and know how to concentrate our efforts towards the right growth for us, then the sky is in fact the limit... for this is indeed the purpose of Wood. We need proper environment, nourishment, resources, and guidance to flourish. When one or more of those is missing, our Wood can either grow out of control and we spread our resources too thin, or we cannot grow at all because we don't have what we need to do so. Not all growth is good growth. We prune back roses in the winter for a reason. We prune old growth, and we cut off branches that are taking up precious resources which deplete the whole plant. Control is good in moderation, because it guides our growth towards the highest quality blooms. Not all growth is quality growth. We remove weeds because their growth is poor quality and we need to conserve resources for more valuable plants (flowers, shrubs, fruit, and vegetables).

In terms of how Wood is out of control in our culture I meant this at a more global level. When we look at our planet and each culture in the world as if we are looking at a patient - we can diagnose the dynamics of balance of the Five Elements within just as easily.

We need only look to the sprawl of housing developments, new pulty homes springing up where forests used to be seemingly overnight like mushrooms. The materials used are of poor quality, and noone builds high quality brick buildings anymore. The growth is optimized for speed and sprawl and not quality.

Growth in our cities is happening so quickly that like a branch of a tree the inter-county connector in Maryland is built seemingly overnight to accommodate more growth and expansion as our greed for more and more replaces the forests and rivers and trees with more conduits for transport of resources (water, fuel, people) to places where more growth is expected. These conduits are like the branches of the tree that deliver resources to the far leaves, so that the leaves can stretch out further and further.

Just like the energy of wood has to battle against obstacles to grow - the project of the inter-county connector is a good example of the frustration it created in many citizens, especially those who's houses had to be destroyed or properties taken away by the county to create this new growth. This is a great example of how the emotion anger and frustration are the emotions associated with growth. The project was frustrated by opposition, and yet the government kept pushing through - each side was frustrated. Ultimately it frustrated the citizens more who's plans for living a calm life were derailed by the project going forward and their houses and properties were taken away. This is a perfect example of how the function of growth and frustration go hand in hand - and also why growth must be selective.

In our culture Wood is also out of control in non-selective creation of more and more consumer goods and the shelves of our stores are filled with new types of electronics, toys, and products at an alarming rate - and most of them are crap. Cheap growth, rather than quality growth. Just like weeds. Cheap means that you can produce more and more and more, and quicker. Our shelves are filled with weeds and not roses. Conventional vegetables and cheap imports from abroad - quality sacrificed for quantity. The regulatory element for Wood is Metal. The Metal element is what establishes quality growth by looking towards the true value of growth.

Metal also represents spirituality, religion, ritual, tradition. Spirituality and ritual is about respecting and having reverence for what you have and what you produce. All new growth should be evaluated from the perspective of whether it is aligned with your highest ideals and values and any growth that isn't must be pruned back and discarded.

When the Metal element is not controlled by the Fire element properly, it becomes perverted and hard - out of control structure, religion and tradition stifle growth and evolution and the creation of new ideas. You are kept in your rigid constraints. This rigid constraint prevents growth, just like a rocky soil can restrict growth.

It is true that when we prune back too far, and when Metal is out of balance we become a cold and cutting patriarchy (which is what our culture rebelled against by throwing our religion). The Metal element represents spiritual guidance and ensuring that our lives are filled with quality and not quantity. In this way Metal is the moral backbone of tradition and ritual. When our culture went away from religion and guidance by the Heavens for what growth and which path is righteous and with the greater good of all, the Wood was no longer constrained by any specific values or guidance to channel its energies appropriately. Wood began to grow in all directions as a way of replacing God by products and new ideas as a way of filling the void.

The technology evolution boomed out of nowhere with the discovery of fossil fuels (the Water which is the Mother of Wood for our society). When our planet's deep reserves were tapped the growth sprung up over night and we are drinking through our Water reserves as a culture without any spiritual and moral guidance (Metal) that normally guides Wood's growth towards pure and quality pursuits - in the same way as Metal wires and Metal clippers guide a Bonsai tree in a direction that best expresses its essence, without the distraction of unnecessary and poor growth to take up precious resources. We prune back so as to conserve and make the plant stronger. But when we prune back too much and put too many guiding wires we stifle and choke growth.

We clear out weeds so that we can conserve resources for our vegetables and crops. Proper control of growth is needed to ensure resources aren't squandered. In our society all we do is squander resources (Water). In our society we have very little pruning taking place.

So, in our lives as individuals we can ensure that our Wood is healthy by giving ourselves the right environment, as well as having a balance of values and qualities which we want to see in our growth. This way we ensure that when we grow, we grow into roses and not into weeds.