I have three more midterms next week.
I have developed such a deep fatigue that various very painful and debilitating symptoms have resulted. My Earth element has lacked proper support since I moved to the island, and with recent stress of dealing with roommates, school mates, administration, lack of rest, lack of sound sleep, lack of sound thoughts, and lack of recuperation, several very disturbing symptoms have developed. The Earth element is in charge of the Spleen and Stomach. Among many things, Earth element is in charge of digestion, separation of pure from impure, and the nourishment of one's body. The Spleen in particular is in charge of the intellect, memory, concentration, etc. All individuals performing heavy intellectual work are subject to Spleen deficiency, and most people in the Westernized and sped-up world, and improper nutrition, sleep, rest and relaxation have Spleen deficiency to various degrees of severity - with symptoms differentiating based on other deficiencies and pathologies of other organs. It is very common for acupuncture students to follow a frequent regiment of self-medication with Spleen tonics throughout their scholastic careers, and frequent needling and moxibustion of tonification points such as ST36 and or SP6 to maintain their Spleen functions.
All of my Spleen's mental faculties have been bent on either solving my dilemmas, or on heavy work associated with work for many years - but most heavily so over the past 4 months. Emotional and mental issues have become the internal cause of development of illness and have resulted in my having symptoms such as:
- Complete fatigue and loss of mental focus, energy and recall within half an hour after eating, for a duration of 4 hours, to a point of nearly wanting to pass out.
- Generalized whole day mental fogginess, and lack of intellectual capacity.
- Inability to digest food in the evening, leading to fullness and restless sleep.
- Excruciating shoulder pain lateral to my shoulder blades, around acupuncture point SI9, and SI10.
- Constriction and sharp pains around my heart, pains reaching my arms. This is the most disconcerting - because it sounds like angina: "chest pain or discomfort that occurs when an area of your heart muscle doesn't get enough oxygen-rich blood. Angina may feel like pressure or squeezing in your chest. The pain also may occur in your shoulders, arms, neck, jaw, or back. It can feel like indigestion."
- Sharp pains around my spleen and stomach at night
- Extreme fatigue, lack of luster in my eyes, and lack of energy during the day, hunching over of the body, and a desire to close eyes
- Inability to maintain conversation with people, and generalized reclusivity
- Extreme cold of the hands and feet, general feeling of internal coldness, and aversion to cold, and dampness. The cold and damp climate of Waimea in winter has been further adding stress on my system - leaving to go to Kona or sitting in the sunlight feels better.
- Nasal discharge in the morning, occasional sneezing, and dryness, thirst, and parched lips in the evening
- Periods of anger, despondency, crying (though there's been a lack of energy even for these to be acute), indecisiveness
As a result of these symptoms, I've had no energy to reply to emails, and phone calls, and maintain the relationships with my friends and family back home, and I've especially been avoiding calling back my grandmother because of how much strain it is for me to task my brain with recalling and conjugating in Polish - something that isn't as taxing when I have my energy. I feel like I've neglected being there for my friends and family out of a need of self-preservation of my limited energy reserves, and have made conversations with my classmates and short as possible. It is unfair to them, and I feel like I'm pushing away those very people that care the most for me, and for this I feel responsible, sad, and sorry. I know this cannot last, this phase must pass, and I know they will understand.
Many thoughts have come to me including dropping classes, or not signing up next trimester so that I can give my body time to heal from the past years of intellectual and emotional strain, so that I can start again in the fall. Some people in prior years have been forced to take time off, or go to school part time due to work or family-related issues. The idea of losing step with the rest of my classmates, however, and prolonging my time on island is not one I wish to think about, but given we only have 10 days between trimesters, I have no idea how I'll physically and mentally survive if I don't do this for myself.
I also can't imagine getting the healing that I need while living in the hustle and bustle of this house. I don't think returning home to Maryland would give me the rest I need right now either. I need 'cave time' as my friend Melanie suggested. For me, that means a vacation somewhere - but who's going to pay for that.
I've been modifying my diet to only hot-temperature foods, as cold foods further damage the Spleen, including sugary or cold foods like salads. I feel like bland and easy to digest foods are the best for me right now, but they are so unappetizing. These changes have helped on the days I've applied them. When I eat any kind of protein or fat, all of my body's blood and qi goes to my digestion, leaving me nothing with which to support my intellectual or physical function. It has gotten to a point where I am scared of each next meal time, because I don't want to deal with the consequences of eating, yet my hunger is there indicating I'm undernourished.
I've been completely forgetting to take my home-made spleen tonic, and when I do take it, I tend to feel better for a few hours with some mental focus returning. A teacher spoke with me out of concern for my appearance and lack of energy and asked me if I've been taking spleen tonics. I told her that I've not been able to digest the tea-pill patent formula tonics like Four Gentlemen Decoction, or Six Gentlemen Decocton - decoctions that most students take throughout their scholastic careers as it helps with intellectual focus. I get heartburn and constipation when I take them, so I've been taking my own raw herb formula when I remember. Unfortunately, any kind of tonification regiment will take as long as 4-6 months in cases of severe depletion. It also takes rest. Rest is one of the commodities I do not have, and will not have if I continue at the pace I am.
At the suggestion of my friend Melanie, I'm going in for an herbal consultation tomorrow so that I can be fully evaluated and given an herbal formula which treats my current condition of depletion. I don't know if the formula will be any stronger than the one I'm taking, as what I'm taking is based on the herbs found in the Four Gentlemen Decoction, with modifications like Shen herbs for Worry and Grief. I look forward to getting a confirmation that what I have come up with myself is on the right track, and will want to know what type of treatment protocol, and length of time the treatment will take. Overall I think I need some advice on how to proceed with school - take time off, or try and push through?
Right now, my body's Qi is so deficient that any acupuncture treatment I've been giving myself has been scattering my Qi and leaving me more depleted than prior to the treatment. Any treatment that did not scatter my Qi consolidated it enough to get me through the next day of exertion.
I've really done myself in with the path I've chosen, at the time I chose it, and the place I chose to follow it. I've been on the go for years, and abusing my body for years. It is catching up with me. Every few weeks when I think I've reached the bottom, something new happens. On top of this, I don't know how to answer the concern of my friends and family. I know they're worried for me, and wish they can help, and I wish I knew how to make use of those resources. I've never been good at asking for help, partly because it occurs to me that if I ask for help, its an inconvenience, and secondly, that I don't know what I really need. I need lots of thoughts and prayers, to start with.
When my energy returns to me, I know that I will have to tackle the bigger questions of my life decisions: What is it that I really want to do with my life? The truth is, I'm not happy here. Can I really see myself living here and thriving for four years? Will I want to do this as my vocation after I graduate? Should I take a break of a year to examine what program I really want to be in? How will I support myself for four years while in school? Will I have the energy to do this as my vocation? These questions beg for an answer. Today I don't seek to answer them, because writing this blog is as much intellectual effort as I plan on executing today.
As far as those questions are concerned - I don't know how to start answering them. I don't know when I'll have the energy to start answering them, and I'm worried about what the answers will be. Yes, there are people with bigger problems in their life than the ones I'm having. But perspective has never really helped me with disappearing my concern.
I want to thank my mom and dad for their kind emails filled with pictures of travels, and their great encouragement and love. I wish we could be together. I love you and I miss you!
This weekend, I must juggle rest, and study - with enough success to pull off a personal miracle. Tomorrow I may tackle the question of why I don't ask for help, and what blocks me from knowing what I need, and pursuing it for myself - but no promises!
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