Thank you Dad, for replying to my post. I especially like your mirror example! Its interesting what you can discover when you really look at a mirror! In answer to your comment, I've expanded more on what choice versus decision would look like if we truly gave up mediocrity. There's nothing wrong with mediocrity per se. It just very common, and has specific predictable outcomes. I think there's value in looking at this further.
"Ray: And as I look at my life, I can see that my choices had to expose my weaknesses and display the avoidance of taking responsibility for ... decisions I have been dealing with daily."
Very well put - the choices/possibilities that one chooses automatically expose that which has to be dealt with to restore integrity so that the choice/possibility may be realized. What shows up is usually a list of things one has to give up or drop so that room can be made for the possibility to live.
An authentic choice is like a mirror that shows everything that obstructs the possibility from truly being. If the vision is compelling enough, the avoidance to take responsibility for manifesting it tends to take a back seat. A great example of choice versus decision is Gandhi's life. He made a choice and not a decision. Its amazing what we can overcome when the vision is compelling enough. Often, however, we limit our own visions, so that we can hide out in safe status quo. If the vision is small and does not touch, move, and inspire us - then there's nothing compelling to take responsibility for. We can thus avoid doing anything of substance.
Once a possibility/choice is made, the question is then always - what must I give up holding onto in order to have what I truly desire? Am I willing to give it up? If so, when will I give it up?
"Ray: What struggles within me is grasping and living the alignment of words and actions."
The struggle is nothing more than the resistance to the illusion that the actions one has to take to restore integrity are hard, or impossible, or having terrible consequences. The vision engendered by unsubstantiated fear of ridicule, or fear of failure is often more compelling if our visions are so small that they don't call us into action to deal with the resistance. Sometimes what is more compelling is how good we feel when we're victims, when we feel justified, self-righteous, or are getting our way. If we're getting any of those, then the payoff we get is what is actually causing the resistance to get in the way of authentic action. If we feel so good in mediocrity, why change it?
The resistance itself is fear - illusion of a bear that doesn't actually exist, or a feeling of loss of no longer being able to stand in a position of self-righteousness. The actions one must take are also never hard to take - they are only unpleasant, because we have to give up looking good and feeling self-righteously victimized by our circumstances. We resist doing unpleasant things because it means getting our hands dirty and putting in the work it takes to get the results.
Again, there's nothing wrong with any of this. There's nothing wrong with being lazy, a victim, or being self-righteous. Inaction due to fear or complacency just like any other decision, simply has its own specific consequences and results. The results are mediocrity. Its a lot simpler to decide on a life of mediocrity because to do what it takes to have full power, freedom, and self-expression is not always pleasant. It means being unreasonable (meaning, we're not going to let people talk us out of doing it by providing to us how impossible it is), and unstoppable in the face of circumstances and adversity. It means having to battle against hardship with the status quo. It means needing to have an unwavering and unbroken commitment to a possibility that is so compelling, that temptations and trapping of mediocrity cannot shake you. It makes taking risk.
Play it safe. You might get crucified...
But why should I risk my well established position in the community, my social circle, my company, my family, my friends. Why the hell should I actually create something amazing when I can sit and bitch about life and make people agree with me about how terrible my life is? The more people I can get to agree with me, the less I actually have to do to transform my life. Instead, I'm just recruiting them to agree with me on my life being terrible, and collude with me on inaction. Then I can feel safe and continue to bitch and sit in comfortable self-righteous indignance and fool myself believing life is great as I accept and resign myself to less and less.
The problem is that I've done such a good job convincing everyone that nothing is possible, and they've done such a good job convincing me that nothing is possible, that is particularly pisses me off when I see someone actually doing something great in their lives, because they're showing me up for being the fraud that I am in sitting in my own self-righteous feces. Lets kill them, before they show me up too much.
And when confronted with the possibility of actually doing something great myself, I see just how many people and circumstances disagree with my possibility (because of how well I've trained them to be resigned and cynical about anything great being possible), that I'm daunted and afraid by what it will take to not be sucked in by their cynicism, and stand in the face of all of it and raise an authentic voice against mediocrity. After all, I may be crucified myself for not participating in being part of the fan club for their own complacency, and rationalized self-righteous existence. Then they might call me names, and call out all my faults, and cut me down a peg or two, and drag me back into the gutter with them, and if that fails, beat me, withhold their affection, shun me, and cast me out of their circle. If I'm back in the gutter with them, then we can all roll around in our self-righteous muck of how harmed we've been by the world. At least we'll all agree with one another.
The Japanese have a saying - the nail that sticks out will be hammered down.
"Ray: Sometimes we hear: I made a wrong choice. Does that ever work?"
There are no wrong choices, and there are no wrong decisions. A choice is an act of free will. The choice then starts a choice-informed decision making process. The decision making process generates opportunities for action. A decision is an act of logic, and irrespective of the logic being faulty or flawless (in who's eyes can this be judge?), the output of the decision has actions which in turn have consequences.
What people do (and as far as I know, you and I are people) is judge the consequence, and not the decision or choice. In judging the consequence, people try to find the culprit who engineered the change in the universe by way of executing an action which was informed by a specific decision. This is done so that people can throw stones at the culprit if in their eyes the consequence of the action didn't meet with their approval. We're always looking for someone or something to blame to deflect from our own responsibility (ability to respond) to any given situation.
The issue here is that people engineer actions and changes in the universe all the time. We also have our own plan of action. These changes in the universe may not be aligned with our plan of action, and when circumstances collide, we are thrown off and then have to do a course correction. Either we do this gracefully, or we throw a temper tantrum and hang the schmuck who inadvertently stepped into our perfectly-constructed universe.
When someone determines that a decision was 'wrong', its simply that they don't like the consequences that have resulted from the decision. It may have resulted from poor judgment which occurs either due to faulty reason, an absence of facts, or a misperception of reality being a certain way, or simply events turning out in an unforeseen way. A decision being wrong is simply someone else's judgment. Have you ever made a decision and known it was wrong at the same time as you were executing the decision? If so, did you judge the decision to be wrong yourself, or was it a judgment coming from outside? If you made the decision, then you acted on it because it was right for you at the time you made it, regardless of external opinion. If I do drugs, its not a wrong decision. It is a decision I judge as right at the time (justified by the personal result I will temporarily feel), even while it may be wrong in someone else's eyes. Regardless of right or wrong, there are simply consequences.
When something happens, and then I create a story about it, I'm creating an interpretation of reality. I then choose to act on 'facts' of my story. This is an example of where decisions may appear wrong, only in hind sight. The fact is that we decided to act on a misperception, which they resulted in a consequence that we didn't like. The most common event, however is that we simply were not able to predict the outcome of a decision. Since we cannot see into the future or examine all possible outcomes, we can be surprised by the results of our decisions, and those results may have consequences we don't like. It doesn't necessarily mean that there was anything at fault with the decision. There will always be decisions I make which will have undesirable consequences. Its not just because I'm not omniscient (I know, its a pity. I'd like that, but I'm not going to make God wrong for it :). Its also because some of my decisions will be made as a result of my ego wanting to stay small, or to be immediately gratified, or because I'll want to avoid doing things which are unpleasant in the name of the choice.
I can only do my best in any circumstance, and accept responsibility for the consequences of every action, and not make myself wrong or blame anyone else. Blaming myself or another robs me of my power to transcend, my freedom to act, and my fully self-expression choice. I simply have to own my life and my circumstances, whether created purely by me, or impacted by another human being, and make my integrally-informed decision for the next action I can take to manifest my choice. The results achieved over time then sum up to the realization of my choice.
As far as a choice is concerned, a choice also cannot be wrong. A choice may, however be inauthentic. Anything that was chosen authentically cannot even be perceived as wrong because it arises out of integrity. Choosing someone else's possibility is simply not authentic to that person, unless the possibility touches, moves, and inspires the the other person also. In fact, the choosing of someone else's possibility is more of a decision based on not listening to authentically to ourselves, but needing to fill the void to look good, or not feel left out. My choosing a certain path may be an authentic choice for me, but it may not be an authentic choice for you. It does not make the choice wrong.
Because choosing is not an action, but is a state of being from which decisions are informed - choosing a path doesn't mean that the decisions that follow will have the consequences I expected them to. It doesn't mean that the decisions were wrong. In fact, there is no meaning in the decision itself. What happens, happens. There is always an element of risk associated with every decision. Should I eat cake, or should I eat salad? There could be life or death consequences, after all!!
The only thing that is important is to acknowledge our responsibility for any given situation. Not like "I made a decision, it didn't turn out like I thought it would, and I'm therefore to blame for this outcome". You can't always predict or know the outcome. The nature of responsibility is therefore simply acknowledging our ability to respond to any given situation, without making the situation or ourselves wrong.
In any given moment, there's never anything wrong. There's only what is, and our response to it. The response comes either out of authentic choice, rooted in integrity, or it comes out of a decision making process which attempts to judge and evaluate the situation based on stories, likes, dislikes, people's feelings, etc. The decision making process is therefore inherently limited to its power to transform a situation, as it is always seeking to constrain possibilities to a single, most congenial outcome. A decision always cares about the political impact and impact to our ego's ability to look good and feel safe - and to mitigate the fallout based on our limited understanding of what's so. Choice doesn't care less about impact.
If the choice is present, the decision making process is informed by that choice more powerfully than it is informed by circumstances and ego. A choice is therefore always a more powerful place to stand, because the choice is the vision of what is possible regardless of interpretation, circumstances, or consideration for other people's feelings, personal recognition, or our own ego's safety.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Choice versus Decision
My dad asked me a week or so ago regarding the distinction between a choice and a decision.
A decision is the deliberation of multiple options, and then selecting one of the options based on reasoning. Decision comes from the latin root of 'de' - to set apart form, and 'cide' - to kill off, or prune down.
When making a decision, we have to kill off the other options in order to be left with one last option, which we then decide upon. Its a narrowing down function meant to focus our energy on the highest reward available given circumstances. In this case, we are not making a choice, because our reasons (why we should or should not do a thing) are choosing for us. e.g.: choosing chocolate over vanilla 'because' I have a preference for chocolate is a decision based on preference being the reason that is selected the chocolate. Another decision would be to give chocolate to my friend, despite it being my preference, because I know that by making the decision to give it to them, I get the illusion of looking altruistic, whereas the actual reward is looking good, or seeming morally superior.
When making a choice, however, we consider all the options available and we choose freely, not based on reason, but rather based in free will and not necessarily consideration of the circumstances agreeing with us. A choice does not cut off possibilities, like a decision does. A choice allows for seemingly illogical possibilities of failure, hardship, or unpleasantness resulting from the choice, whereas a decision wouldn't. A choice does not separate or set apart one choice as more superior than another, because a choice's value system is not based on society, or feeling good states that the ego can experience. The choice derives from integrity and authentic self-expresson.
A choice then is a selection of what is, or what can be as an act of free will, whereas decision is the selection of action in response to circumstances. e.g.: choosing chocolate over vanilla because I choose chocolate. The selection of chocolate based on reasoning is absent from a decision.
Example:
There are many logical reasons why I should not have pursued the goal of becoming an acupuncturist. I will not make the same money as I would have remaining in DC, I will not have the same job security, I have a house and financial responsibilities, I have friends and family in DC and none in Hawaii, I lack a bachelors degree, and its a lot easier to stick with what I know versus dealing with studying full time, and needing to live with roommates versus having a place of my own. Had I used these reasons to make my decision, I would probably have decided that becoming an acupuncturist was a stupid idea.
However, I chose to become an acupuncturist, and as a result am having to go through much hardship to achieve my goal. Had I made a decision, I would have given up at the first failure (and the mind constantly attempts to make decisions), but having made a choice, I am propelled towards the inevitable - the becoming an acupuncturist.
What's interesting to note is that the difference between a choice and a decision can be felt emotionally. Any decision feels like a contraction, or constrainment. Any choice is in fact an opening and a sence of freedom. A state of integrity engenders choices automatically. Choices are birthed only from a state of total power, freedom, and full self-expression. Decisions instead take place when one or more of the three integritous states of power, freedom, and full self-expression are compromised or where reality does not align with the integritous state.
The choice is the plan, the decision is the program. The choice is the dream. The decision is the action.
Choice as Possibility...
A choice is the complete invention of a possibility of being after circumstances are evaluated, but the invention of the possibility takes place distinct from an actual decision making process. A specific decision making process shows up from the moment the choice is made in order to attempt to align the universe with that possibility. One then makes a commitment to a distinct series of steps congruent with what the vision of that possibility might look like.
Said another way, after the free selection of a way of being one subsequently naturally makes decisions on a course of action based on how that possibility might look in the world, and therefore how to transform the circumstances in the world to resonate with the highest state of integrity espoused by the possibility. The decision making process creates a program of action steps that attempt to deliver the possibility presented by the choice.
It is not possible to decide on a possibility. A possibility is not a specific course of action. A specific course of action is a result of a decision making process that results from evaluating a course of action vis a vis current circumstances. A choice becomes available when one restores a sense of integrity to power, freedom, and full self-expression in an area of one's life.
In the decision-based model of action:
Relationship between Choice and Decision...
The decision making process does not cease in lieu of making a choice. In fact, the decision making process begins only once a choice is made. Some would say that the very first authentic choice we make as a human being is the choice of our spirit to enter the body to play the game of life at the birth of each child. The full power, freedom, and self-expresson then remains with us until our left brain kicks in around age 7 and the decision making processes in life start shaping our lives. Each major course correction in life then results from an authentically made choice. The rest of our life events are ego-created decisions based on looking good, and feeling good, and survival.
Once you make a choice, what then?
A choice is a course correction, the decision making process itself is only the project plan of action. The choice is made in spite of circumstances, and the decision making process that follows is informed by preferences and circumstances.
After I chose to become an acupuncturist, the decision making process of what that might look like began. The circumstances were obvious - financial issues, house problems, lack of bachelors degree, a sea of circumstances not aligned with that possibility. The preference was Tai Sophia Institute. My lack of bachelor's degree did not allow for that, so my decision making process evaluated other options. I did not choose to move to the Big Island of Hawaii. I instead decided to move to the Big Island of Hawaii as a result of a decision making process constrained by circumstances, and informed by the ego. The preference of Tai Sophia was replaced with any other school that 'looked good'.
The Decision Making Process - Your friend, your enemy...
The location was informed by a preference for Island life, and not an authentic examination of what my education congruent with my possibility of being an acupuncturist would look like. This was a mistake - as my choice to become an acupuncturist became obscured by the illusion of switching all of my life circumstances to center around comfort (e.g. new location, Island life). This is the inherent danger with the decision making process. The decision making process attempt to fulfill on your authentically created choice, but it can be influenced and detracted very slyly by the ego seeing comfort. I was so blinded by the vision of living in Hawaii, that I didn't consider other schools as an option. It is this precise reason why the decision making process must constantly be checked against the integrity of the choice/possibility, if the choice is to be honored to its highest state of integrity.
My first ego-preference was the Island of Maui. There being no schools on Maui, I decided on my current school on the Big Island of Hawaii. The decision making process based its decisions on the information that was available to me, and based on my choice to make a rapid change in my life, but one that was not informed by all of my available options. Everything went according to plan, but decisions were made which altered the way the choice would show up as.
Free Will, Suffering, and Commitment...
The actions that followed were determined by decisions. Living with roommates v.s. not living with roommates was a decision necessitated based on a financial circumstances. It was not a choice. Because it was not a choice based on free will, I get to be a victim and suffer because of the imposition on my life resulting from needing to live in this manner. Selecting a TCM school was a decision, and not a choice, because of a lack of research and understanding, and lack of a clear vision for how the possibility engendered by my choice to be an acupuncturist might look. My vision was not specific enough. My vision was not integrally informed.
Attachment to the result...
To the degree that something is occurring not as a result of choice - i.e., the free will of selecting something freely even while its implications may have negativity associated with it - but as a result of a decision, this allows one to feel dominated by life and justified in one's complaint about circumstances that are not in line with the the possibility. To the degree to which I don't choose life the way it is and the way it isn't, is the degree to which I get to suffer about it and feel a victim to it.
If the choice is "I'm going to be an acupuncturist", but I add qualifiers to it such as that it has to look a certain way, feel a certain way - then I am imposing parameters along with my choice. There's nothing wrong with applying parameters. The results of decisions and actions to realize those parameters either have congruent results, or divergent results. This is all dependent upon how clear your vision is, and how committed you are to your vision winning over your ego.
There are three courses of action to pursue in terms of results:
1. The circumstances are aligned with the possibility, and no action is needed
2. The circumstances are not aligned with the possibility, and one is choosing to work with the circumstances, or
3. The circumstances are not aligned with the possibility, and one is not choosing to work with the circumstances, one instead decides to react a certain way.
Can one become attached to a possibility? I would say that one can be committed to a possibility, and one can be attached to specific results. The committing to a possibility will nearly always bring suffering. Its inherent. Anyone who's ever stood for anything of importance has suffered for it - but this is only in the eyes of onlookers, their actual experience of what others may have called suffering was no doubt quite different. Attachment to circumstances being a certain way will always give you suffering because if you're attached to things being a certain way, you are resisting the circumstances being just as they are. The resistance to the circumstances creates suffering. Does commitment to a possibility therefore always engender attachment to specific results? It doesn't if one has preferences, and can allow for circumstances to not be aligned in the present to that preference. It is through the commitment to the possibility and action associated with it that then transforms the circumstances.
Choice v.s. Acceptance Fallacy...
There is a tendency to think of choice being new-agey catch-all course of action for transforming any negative circumstances in your life into positive ones, where the alternative is a feeling of victimization and resignation to circumstances. In the example of having a flat tire, one can decide to act based on the circumstance and feel a victim of the circumstance, or choose the circumstance, in which case one is free to invent how one will be about the circumstance.
The usage of the distinction choice versus decision can dangerously imply that in any set of negative circumstances, you are always at choice to choose them, or to decide to accept them / resign yourself to them, or decide to act to change them. The problem is that it can occur as if acceptance is nothing more than resignation to circumstances disguise itself as a choice. "I don't feel good about my circumstances, therefore I must choose them, then it will once again feel like free will". In this case, however, one is making a decision to act because one will feel better thus this is a decision being made by the ego which wishes to avoid suffering at all costs. This is of course nothing more than a mind trick . One is lying to oneself.
A choice is the creation of a way of being about a circumstance that has the most integrity - that is to say, a way of being where you have all of your power, freedom, and full self expression, regardless of circumstances. And because it comes out of free will, rather than a decision to feel like a victim, the choice of 'being' about a change in one's circumstances literally shifts the decision making process of how to react to one's circumstances. So if I have a flat tire, and choose the flat tire, I can choose to be any number of things which restore my power, freedom, and self-expression without feeling like a victim.
Back to the practical...
In my recent months, my choice about who I have chosen to be has resulted in my making decisions that created the circumstances that I have. Some of the circumstances are compatible with my choice, and some of them are not. To the degree to which I am attached to the way things should look, is the degree to which I resist the current circumstances. The resistance to the circumstances then generates my victimhood. My choice has not changed. My circumstances have. My decision making tells me it will feel good to whine and get sympathy, and will allow me to not take responsibility for the actions which created the circumstances. In light of my circumstances I am faced with choosing them, accepting/resigning myself to them, or resisting them.
In complaining about my circumstances, I would get to sit in inaction. In absence of a choice, I was at the same job for 8 years which I hated, but decided on staying in. In the presence of an authentically made choice, inaction is really never an option for long. Complaining and victimhood only gets you so much juice before you realize you're only cheating yourself of an experience to truly realize the choice which originally touched, moved, and inspired you.
In choosing my circumstances as they are and as they aren't, I now have the possibility of represencing myself to the original choice that originally got me here. My circumstances give me a situation where I have been discouraged by the education here not living up to my expectations. This meant that I was neither accepting or being resigned to my circumstanced, but rather than choosing action, I decided on playing the victim through inaction and whining, and throwing a tantrum. The choice is nearly always resignation and cynicism, or playing the victim, dominating someone, or acting self-righteously. If a choice is compelling, if the integrity offered by the choice looks you in the eye, its hard to justify victimhood, as it has no room for an 'unfulfilling education'.
It is out of my original possibility that I commit to getting out of my education what is truly possible out of this medicine. This means settling for nothing short of excellence. Not settling for mediocrity. Not settling for comfort, and not settling for a 'good time', or the easy way our while I dedicate my life to this pursuit. What the 'easy way out' is, can change depending on the say - staying, leaving, changing, resignation.
How this might show up in action is committing to getting the training and education from the best, the brightest, and the most brilliant intellectual, spiritual, and ethical healers who will teach me - an education that lives up to its highest potential within the context of my possibility. I didn't come here to just get a degree and leave to open a nice quiet little practice that I can set up in some small office somewhere in the world and meet people for a friendly chat, and stick some needles in them, and send them home to the problems they came in with.
What I came for...
What I came for is nothing short of the transformation of the medicine itself - for the fulfillment of other's callings through awakening the body, mind, and spirits to the possibility of life itself - by becoming the most excellent practitioner I can be, the most dedicated of disciples of this medicine, so that through me this medicine can give back to the community and back to the acupuncture educational institutes at large the highest possible realization of the powerful potential this medicine has to offer in transforming the world.
And if I can't get that from my current school, then I will get it through other means, such as the dedication to and absorption in Five Element acupuncture, integral evolutionary oriental medicine, TCM internal medicine mechanics, and Seitai Shinpo structural mechanics, while I have money, energy, and spirit to pursue them towards excellence - even if this means studying all of these other subjects in all of my free time, and involving myself in all online and physical communities that will support that end. But beyond that limited vision, to be open to the vision being even bigger than myself, and bigger than what I can do in this lifetime.
And if the school I visit in Oahu is closest to the spirit of my original possibility of being the best acupuncturist and the best most compassionate and integral healer, then my continuing decision making process will take me there towards that goal. If not my decision making process will have me remain here.
The fuel behind it all, is choice.
__
A decision is the deliberation of multiple options, and then selecting one of the options based on reasoning. Decision comes from the latin root of 'de' - to set apart form, and 'cide' - to kill off, or prune down.
When making a decision, we have to kill off the other options in order to be left with one last option, which we then decide upon. Its a narrowing down function meant to focus our energy on the highest reward available given circumstances. In this case, we are not making a choice, because our reasons (why we should or should not do a thing) are choosing for us. e.g.: choosing chocolate over vanilla 'because' I have a preference for chocolate is a decision based on preference being the reason that is selected the chocolate. Another decision would be to give chocolate to my friend, despite it being my preference, because I know that by making the decision to give it to them, I get the illusion of looking altruistic, whereas the actual reward is looking good, or seeming morally superior.
When making a choice, however, we consider all the options available and we choose freely, not based on reason, but rather based in free will and not necessarily consideration of the circumstances agreeing with us. A choice does not cut off possibilities, like a decision does. A choice allows for seemingly illogical possibilities of failure, hardship, or unpleasantness resulting from the choice, whereas a decision wouldn't. A choice does not separate or set apart one choice as more superior than another, because a choice's value system is not based on society, or feeling good states that the ego can experience. The choice derives from integrity and authentic self-expresson.
A choice then is a selection of what is, or what can be as an act of free will, whereas decision is the selection of action in response to circumstances. e.g.: choosing chocolate over vanilla because I choose chocolate. The selection of chocolate based on reasoning is absent from a decision.
Example:
There are many logical reasons why I should not have pursued the goal of becoming an acupuncturist. I will not make the same money as I would have remaining in DC, I will not have the same job security, I have a house and financial responsibilities, I have friends and family in DC and none in Hawaii, I lack a bachelors degree, and its a lot easier to stick with what I know versus dealing with studying full time, and needing to live with roommates versus having a place of my own. Had I used these reasons to make my decision, I would probably have decided that becoming an acupuncturist was a stupid idea.
However, I chose to become an acupuncturist, and as a result am having to go through much hardship to achieve my goal. Had I made a decision, I would have given up at the first failure (and the mind constantly attempts to make decisions), but having made a choice, I am propelled towards the inevitable - the becoming an acupuncturist.
What's interesting to note is that the difference between a choice and a decision can be felt emotionally. Any decision feels like a contraction, or constrainment. Any choice is in fact an opening and a sence of freedom. A state of integrity engenders choices automatically. Choices are birthed only from a state of total power, freedom, and full self-expression. Decisions instead take place when one or more of the three integritous states of power, freedom, and full self-expression are compromised or where reality does not align with the integritous state.
The choice is the plan, the decision is the program. The choice is the dream. The decision is the action.
Choice as Possibility...
A choice is the complete invention of a possibility of being after circumstances are evaluated, but the invention of the possibility takes place distinct from an actual decision making process. A specific decision making process shows up from the moment the choice is made in order to attempt to align the universe with that possibility. One then makes a commitment to a distinct series of steps congruent with what the vision of that possibility might look like.
Said another way, after the free selection of a way of being one subsequently naturally makes decisions on a course of action based on how that possibility might look in the world, and therefore how to transform the circumstances in the world to resonate with the highest state of integrity espoused by the possibility. The decision making process creates a program of action steps that attempt to deliver the possibility presented by the choice.
It is not possible to decide on a possibility. A possibility is not a specific course of action. A specific course of action is a result of a decision making process that results from evaluating a course of action vis a vis current circumstances. A choice becomes available when one restores a sense of integrity to power, freedom, and full self-expression in an area of one's life.
In the decision-based model of action:
Have -> Do -> Be:The possibility-based model of action:
Have - I have the circumstances I have
Do - I do only what my circumstances permit me to do
Be - I am the way I am, and feel the way I feel as a result of doing what I can about my circumstances.
Be -> Do -> Have:The decision based model of living is materialistic, and gives in to the circumstances of one's life. A decision based model does nothing to restore one's power, freedom, and full self-expression. A decision based model denies that anything other than a reaction to the circumstances is possible. The being based model requires no circumstances. The being based model is pure invention of life based on authentic choice. The being based model for action is possible only when we inquire into where we are out of integrity with our full power, freedom, and full self expression in life.
Be - I can be who I choose to be (happy, content, courageous, peaceful, honorable, humble, etc..)
Do - I do what a person who is that does
Have - I get the results associated with what I be and what I do
Relationship between Choice and Decision...
The decision making process does not cease in lieu of making a choice. In fact, the decision making process begins only once a choice is made. Some would say that the very first authentic choice we make as a human being is the choice of our spirit to enter the body to play the game of life at the birth of each child. The full power, freedom, and self-expresson then remains with us until our left brain kicks in around age 7 and the decision making processes in life start shaping our lives. Each major course correction in life then results from an authentically made choice. The rest of our life events are ego-created decisions based on looking good, and feeling good, and survival.
Once you make a choice, what then?
A choice is a course correction, the decision making process itself is only the project plan of action. The choice is made in spite of circumstances, and the decision making process that follows is informed by preferences and circumstances.
After I chose to become an acupuncturist, the decision making process of what that might look like began. The circumstances were obvious - financial issues, house problems, lack of bachelors degree, a sea of circumstances not aligned with that possibility. The preference was Tai Sophia Institute. My lack of bachelor's degree did not allow for that, so my decision making process evaluated other options. I did not choose to move to the Big Island of Hawaii. I instead decided to move to the Big Island of Hawaii as a result of a decision making process constrained by circumstances, and informed by the ego. The preference of Tai Sophia was replaced with any other school that 'looked good'.
The Decision Making Process - Your friend, your enemy...
The location was informed by a preference for Island life, and not an authentic examination of what my education congruent with my possibility of being an acupuncturist would look like. This was a mistake - as my choice to become an acupuncturist became obscured by the illusion of switching all of my life circumstances to center around comfort (e.g. new location, Island life). This is the inherent danger with the decision making process. The decision making process attempt to fulfill on your authentically created choice, but it can be influenced and detracted very slyly by the ego seeing comfort. I was so blinded by the vision of living in Hawaii, that I didn't consider other schools as an option. It is this precise reason why the decision making process must constantly be checked against the integrity of the choice/possibility, if the choice is to be honored to its highest state of integrity.
My first ego-preference was the Island of Maui. There being no schools on Maui, I decided on my current school on the Big Island of Hawaii. The decision making process based its decisions on the information that was available to me, and based on my choice to make a rapid change in my life, but one that was not informed by all of my available options. Everything went according to plan, but decisions were made which altered the way the choice would show up as.
Free Will, Suffering, and Commitment...
The actions that followed were determined by decisions. Living with roommates v.s. not living with roommates was a decision necessitated based on a financial circumstances. It was not a choice. Because it was not a choice based on free will, I get to be a victim and suffer because of the imposition on my life resulting from needing to live in this manner. Selecting a TCM school was a decision, and not a choice, because of a lack of research and understanding, and lack of a clear vision for how the possibility engendered by my choice to be an acupuncturist might look. My vision was not specific enough. My vision was not integrally informed.
Attachment to the result...
To the degree that something is occurring not as a result of choice - i.e., the free will of selecting something freely even while its implications may have negativity associated with it - but as a result of a decision, this allows one to feel dominated by life and justified in one's complaint about circumstances that are not in line with the the possibility. To the degree to which I don't choose life the way it is and the way it isn't, is the degree to which I get to suffer about it and feel a victim to it.
If the choice is "I'm going to be an acupuncturist", but I add qualifiers to it such as that it has to look a certain way, feel a certain way - then I am imposing parameters along with my choice. There's nothing wrong with applying parameters. The results of decisions and actions to realize those parameters either have congruent results, or divergent results. This is all dependent upon how clear your vision is, and how committed you are to your vision winning over your ego.
There are three courses of action to pursue in terms of results:
1. The circumstances are aligned with the possibility, and no action is needed
2. The circumstances are not aligned with the possibility, and one is choosing to work with the circumstances, or
3. The circumstances are not aligned with the possibility, and one is not choosing to work with the circumstances, one instead decides to react a certain way.
Can one become attached to a possibility? I would say that one can be committed to a possibility, and one can be attached to specific results. The committing to a possibility will nearly always bring suffering. Its inherent. Anyone who's ever stood for anything of importance has suffered for it - but this is only in the eyes of onlookers, their actual experience of what others may have called suffering was no doubt quite different. Attachment to circumstances being a certain way will always give you suffering because if you're attached to things being a certain way, you are resisting the circumstances being just as they are. The resistance to the circumstances creates suffering. Does commitment to a possibility therefore always engender attachment to specific results? It doesn't if one has preferences, and can allow for circumstances to not be aligned in the present to that preference. It is through the commitment to the possibility and action associated with it that then transforms the circumstances.
Choice v.s. Acceptance Fallacy...
There is a tendency to think of choice being new-agey catch-all course of action for transforming any negative circumstances in your life into positive ones, where the alternative is a feeling of victimization and resignation to circumstances. In the example of having a flat tire, one can decide to act based on the circumstance and feel a victim of the circumstance, or choose the circumstance, in which case one is free to invent how one will be about the circumstance.
The usage of the distinction choice versus decision can dangerously imply that in any set of negative circumstances, you are always at choice to choose them, or to decide to accept them / resign yourself to them, or decide to act to change them. The problem is that it can occur as if acceptance is nothing more than resignation to circumstances disguise itself as a choice. "I don't feel good about my circumstances, therefore I must choose them, then it will once again feel like free will". In this case, however, one is making a decision to act because one will feel better thus this is a decision being made by the ego which wishes to avoid suffering at all costs. This is of course nothing more than a mind trick . One is lying to oneself.
A choice is the creation of a way of being about a circumstance that has the most integrity - that is to say, a way of being where you have all of your power, freedom, and full self expression, regardless of circumstances. And because it comes out of free will, rather than a decision to feel like a victim, the choice of 'being' about a change in one's circumstances literally shifts the decision making process of how to react to one's circumstances. So if I have a flat tire, and choose the flat tire, I can choose to be any number of things which restore my power, freedom, and self-expression without feeling like a victim.
Back to the practical...
In my recent months, my choice about who I have chosen to be has resulted in my making decisions that created the circumstances that I have. Some of the circumstances are compatible with my choice, and some of them are not. To the degree to which I am attached to the way things should look, is the degree to which I resist the current circumstances. The resistance to the circumstances then generates my victimhood. My choice has not changed. My circumstances have. My decision making tells me it will feel good to whine and get sympathy, and will allow me to not take responsibility for the actions which created the circumstances. In light of my circumstances I am faced with choosing them, accepting/resigning myself to them, or resisting them.
In complaining about my circumstances, I would get to sit in inaction. In absence of a choice, I was at the same job for 8 years which I hated, but decided on staying in. In the presence of an authentically made choice, inaction is really never an option for long. Complaining and victimhood only gets you so much juice before you realize you're only cheating yourself of an experience to truly realize the choice which originally touched, moved, and inspired you.
In choosing my circumstances as they are and as they aren't, I now have the possibility of represencing myself to the original choice that originally got me here. My circumstances give me a situation where I have been discouraged by the education here not living up to my expectations. This meant that I was neither accepting or being resigned to my circumstanced, but rather than choosing action, I decided on playing the victim through inaction and whining, and throwing a tantrum. The choice is nearly always resignation and cynicism, or playing the victim, dominating someone, or acting self-righteously. If a choice is compelling, if the integrity offered by the choice looks you in the eye, its hard to justify victimhood, as it has no room for an 'unfulfilling education'.
It is out of my original possibility that I commit to getting out of my education what is truly possible out of this medicine. This means settling for nothing short of excellence. Not settling for mediocrity. Not settling for comfort, and not settling for a 'good time', or the easy way our while I dedicate my life to this pursuit. What the 'easy way out' is, can change depending on the say - staying, leaving, changing, resignation.
How this might show up in action is committing to getting the training and education from the best, the brightest, and the most brilliant intellectual, spiritual, and ethical healers who will teach me - an education that lives up to its highest potential within the context of my possibility. I didn't come here to just get a degree and leave to open a nice quiet little practice that I can set up in some small office somewhere in the world and meet people for a friendly chat, and stick some needles in them, and send them home to the problems they came in with.
What I came for...
What I came for is nothing short of the transformation of the medicine itself - for the fulfillment of other's callings through awakening the body, mind, and spirits to the possibility of life itself - by becoming the most excellent practitioner I can be, the most dedicated of disciples of this medicine, so that through me this medicine can give back to the community and back to the acupuncture educational institutes at large the highest possible realization of the powerful potential this medicine has to offer in transforming the world.
And if I can't get that from my current school, then I will get it through other means, such as the dedication to and absorption in Five Element acupuncture, integral evolutionary oriental medicine, TCM internal medicine mechanics, and Seitai Shinpo structural mechanics, while I have money, energy, and spirit to pursue them towards excellence - even if this means studying all of these other subjects in all of my free time, and involving myself in all online and physical communities that will support that end. But beyond that limited vision, to be open to the vision being even bigger than myself, and bigger than what I can do in this lifetime.
And if the school I visit in Oahu is closest to the spirit of my original possibility of being the best acupuncturist and the best most compassionate and integral healer, then my continuing decision making process will take me there towards that goal. If not my decision making process will have me remain here.
The fuel behind it all, is choice.
__
Choice vs. Decision
by Steve Rogers & Danish Ahmed
Who is in charge of my life?
If I was in charge, would I not achieve
at least those things that are attainable through effort?
It's one thing to give away to destiny and unknown forces,
those things where other forces have say,
but what about those things that simply require effort?
Is it not, simply, a decision?
When no other forces have say, is it not simply your say that has power?
You're the only one who can make it happen, or not.
So, how do we take that available power,
and at least choose to turn those things that are in our power,
into our reality?
The distinction between choice and decision,
is the one that fuels
the distinction between plan and program.
The choice is the plan, the decision is the program.
The choice is the dream. The decision is the action.
Choosing implies opening a door and seeing what happens.
Deciding implies giving something up and receiving
something in return.
With a choice comes possibility.
With a decision comes commitment.
There are two ways to live.
Avoiding decisions, or embracing them.
A decision has no power until it is embraced with integrity.
If we can decide something one day,
and the next day we can undecide what we decided,
we have no power in our life,
we have no power to choose our path.
For choice to flourish, decision must flow through.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Chinese Medicine is nothing more than the Science of Integrity
A quote from Meditations on Meridians by Avi Magidoff:
The subject line of this post was a quote from Lonny Jarrett. Chinese Medicine is the Science of Integrity - the analysis of what makes physical and psychological integrity fall apart, and the study of what brings it back together into a unified whole. I really love this description.
Thanks to that single quote - the taking on of where I have been out of integrity, and inauthentic is now, once again, represenced to me as my full time job. Integrity must be the foundation of who I am in and out of the treatment room. Standing in my own integrity, and standing for the integrity of others, so that my treatment room doesn't become a shrine for where I pay homage to what integrity might look like, even while my own life is out of integrity and completely misaligned with who I am committed to being.
Today, I got great advice from Lonny on the forum:
Metal: The Lung represents our ability to take in the world (air), spread it out to the whole body, and let go of the world (exhalation). Sadness and grief can result in letting go of things we thought we owned, which we thought we took from the world and made an integral part of ourselves. If we have no attachments, we could let go of our emotions, states of mind, possessions just as naturally as we exhale.The dissolution of a former life, when held on to, and the dissolution of a fantasy or dream which fails to meet expectations, is nothing more than a process of shedding layers of self-definition - self-defined structures, self-imposed authorities, self-imposed beliefs, customs, repertoire, and routines. The crumbling of one's castle of meanings, if deeply held in one's body, and in one's mind can create terrible stasis - longing, sadness, grief, and disappointment, which dissolves the very energy that drives the machine we construct around those patterns. Grief an sadness literally slows down the whole organism. This stasis renders a person powerless, immobile, and frail.
The subject line of this post was a quote from Lonny Jarrett. Chinese Medicine is the Science of Integrity - the analysis of what makes physical and psychological integrity fall apart, and the study of what brings it back together into a unified whole. I really love this description.
Thanks to that single quote - the taking on of where I have been out of integrity, and inauthentic is now, once again, represenced to me as my full time job. Integrity must be the foundation of who I am in and out of the treatment room. Standing in my own integrity, and standing for the integrity of others, so that my treatment room doesn't become a shrine for where I pay homage to what integrity might look like, even while my own life is out of integrity and completely misaligned with who I am committed to being.
Today, I got great advice from Lonny on the forum:
"I will give you the same advice I give everyone who comes to me dissatisfied with the level of depth in their school.
- Change schools OR
- Learn everything they are teaching you in your school as theory and technique is very important in the beginning.
- Find a mentor who you respect.
- Don’t ever look to CM for spirituality! An authentically spiritual person will bring that value to the medicine whatever tradition he or she is practicing. But the medicine will not make one spiritual. It is a great vehicle to promote the evolution of spirit in the right hands. But, in the 21’st century the medicine itself can only form part of the integral context that spiritual integrity demands.
- Don’t be a victim. Engage with those who share your interest. Give everything and stop complaining about what you’re not getting.
- Put things in perspective. When I went to school listening to the pointer sisters and talking about how the music made us feel passed for spirituality! (Even then I couldn’t stand it)."
It was number 5 that confronted my ego. I was getting lots of mileage out of whining! "No fair" my ego seemed to say ;) After writhing with that, I'm letting go of whining and letting whining fall into the void.
The reality is that I chose this, and have been attached to a very specific result. Integrity and discipline, and not letting myself off the hook is a new game I'm gonna play!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Obsession...
I find myself alone with my thoughts in the midst of a party taking place in my house. A group of 10 people celebrate the end of a week with wine, a barbecue, and 70s rock music. I have no small talk to contribute. I have no latest set of events to talk about. I have no funny anecdotes to make people laugh and to impress them with, and I find little value in the subjects that are talked about.
My thoughts are distracted by my full time obsession with acupuncture, five element theory, Lonny Jarrett's website, evolutionary development, integral theory, and possibilities about the future of my education. The light in my soul for the possibility of embarking on a new journey of renewal and fulfillment has been sparked.
I'm on a personal island of self-possessed thoughts. I left a class 2 hours early today because of how tired I was from staying up too late contributing to Lonny's online community and asking questions. Instead of sleeping, I instead went back on the website to read and reply back to people's advice and answers to my questions. I nearly forgot to eat lunch before rushing out the door to go to the last class of the day for a final examination. I passed my test, and upon returning home I checked my email, continued my online conversations and raided several of my bookshelves and cleaned out my night stand of books I know I won't read, and filled them with everything I want to read in the near future.
I am planning a trip to Oahu over the spring break and will be enjoying the richness of a city life from April 18th through the 23rd. I'm going to enjoy the coffee shops, and the energy of the city, maybe attend a concert or two if any are happening, and visit an ancient bamboo forest which I recently heard about. I will be spending lots of time in Chinatown, as well as visiting a Taoist temple and acupuncture school (World Medicine institute - WMI) famous for Taoist Five Element acupuncture within the context of TCM education. The school is headed by a Taoist priest and holder of an unbroken lineage of 2,000 years of Taoist tradition. If this school impresses me I will be evaluating the possibility of transferring my education to that school in the fall and petitioning my Japanese Acupuncture sensei to allow me to commute to Kona to study with her even while I live and attend school in Oahu. Flights are between $70 and $90 round trip between islands, and with some kind of income down the line, I would be able to continue to pay for frequent return visits to study with my sensei, or take out school loans to cover these expenses - though because of my former income, my ability to get subsidized loans in excess of the base level of my tuition is cut off for at least one more fiscal year.
My money will run out eventually, and if I cannot find time for work within my school schedule, I might need to petition family for funding if I'm to pull off such a two island education caper! Still, the need to think about this is not imminent. I risk by revealing these thoughts and wishes that my sensei will not permit me to study with her if I choose to leave the island to change my main curriculum. If the core of my education at WMI proves to provide me with the inspiration I desire, then it might be a risk worth taking?
As members of the Nourishing Destiny community pointed out, all of the skills from various modalities are of vital importance to developing an integral approach to medical treatment. Furthermore, the spiritual concentration that I seek in my studies may not necessarily be found in one institution or modality over another, and that this is really found teacher by teacher regardless of modality. The more I hear everyone’s advice, the more I conclude that what I need is to have patience with myself and know that all the pieces will fall into place. Simultaneously, I’m also confronted with the reality that I lack a sense of inspiration at my institution and have a lack of teachers with whom I resonate – teachers who I aspire to emulate and who inspire me by who they are being, as well as their depth of understanding, and energy. The exception here is my Sensei, who provides much inspiration. The core curriculum however does have two teachers who I respect very much - but my fire is not lit by working with them, as it seems to be for other members of my class.
Meanwhile, the sound of laughter, and the song "Crazy" is coming from outside my room in the general vicinity of the living room.
Post Scriptum...
After posting this post, I received this horoscope in my email:
General Daily Horoscope Influences - This is the Spring Equinox, a day of equal light and dark, and the first day of the astrological year. The Sun enters impulsive Aries today, pushing energy forward without regard to what may be blocking its expression. New growth is encouraged, yet the creative force may not yet be aware of its destination. Although the practical Capricorn Moon encourages us to be sensible, we are less concerned with plans or details now than the drive to move ahead.
Friday, Mar 20th, 2009 - Hope springs forth from new dreams as last year's unfulfilled ones fade away. But this isn't about defeat, for you don't have the luxury of focusing your attention on something that didn't reach fruition. Forget about the past; look ahead toward a successful future. Although it may take a while yet for you to feel as if you are gaining ground again, don't lose sight of the prize.
My thoughts are distracted by my full time obsession with acupuncture, five element theory, Lonny Jarrett's website, evolutionary development, integral theory, and possibilities about the future of my education. The light in my soul for the possibility of embarking on a new journey of renewal and fulfillment has been sparked.
I'm on a personal island of self-possessed thoughts. I left a class 2 hours early today because of how tired I was from staying up too late contributing to Lonny's online community and asking questions. Instead of sleeping, I instead went back on the website to read and reply back to people's advice and answers to my questions. I nearly forgot to eat lunch before rushing out the door to go to the last class of the day for a final examination. I passed my test, and upon returning home I checked my email, continued my online conversations and raided several of my bookshelves and cleaned out my night stand of books I know I won't read, and filled them with everything I want to read in the near future.
I am planning a trip to Oahu over the spring break and will be enjoying the richness of a city life from April 18th through the 23rd. I'm going to enjoy the coffee shops, and the energy of the city, maybe attend a concert or two if any are happening, and visit an ancient bamboo forest which I recently heard about. I will be spending lots of time in Chinatown, as well as visiting a Taoist temple and acupuncture school (World Medicine institute - WMI) famous for Taoist Five Element acupuncture within the context of TCM education. The school is headed by a Taoist priest and holder of an unbroken lineage of 2,000 years of Taoist tradition. If this school impresses me I will be evaluating the possibility of transferring my education to that school in the fall and petitioning my Japanese Acupuncture sensei to allow me to commute to Kona to study with her even while I live and attend school in Oahu. Flights are between $70 and $90 round trip between islands, and with some kind of income down the line, I would be able to continue to pay for frequent return visits to study with my sensei, or take out school loans to cover these expenses - though because of my former income, my ability to get subsidized loans in excess of the base level of my tuition is cut off for at least one more fiscal year.
My money will run out eventually, and if I cannot find time for work within my school schedule, I might need to petition family for funding if I'm to pull off such a two island education caper! Still, the need to think about this is not imminent. I risk by revealing these thoughts and wishes that my sensei will not permit me to study with her if I choose to leave the island to change my main curriculum. If the core of my education at WMI proves to provide me with the inspiration I desire, then it might be a risk worth taking?
As members of the Nourishing Destiny community pointed out, all of the skills from various modalities are of vital importance to developing an integral approach to medical treatment. Furthermore, the spiritual concentration that I seek in my studies may not necessarily be found in one institution or modality over another, and that this is really found teacher by teacher regardless of modality. The more I hear everyone’s advice, the more I conclude that what I need is to have patience with myself and know that all the pieces will fall into place. Simultaneously, I’m also confronted with the reality that I lack a sense of inspiration at my institution and have a lack of teachers with whom I resonate – teachers who I aspire to emulate and who inspire me by who they are being, as well as their depth of understanding, and energy. The exception here is my Sensei, who provides much inspiration. The core curriculum however does have two teachers who I respect very much - but my fire is not lit by working with them, as it seems to be for other members of my class.
Meanwhile, the sound of laughter, and the song "Crazy" is coming from outside my room in the general vicinity of the living room.
Post Scriptum...
After posting this post, I received this horoscope in my email:
General Daily Horoscope Influences - This is the Spring Equinox, a day of equal light and dark, and the first day of the astrological year. The Sun enters impulsive Aries today, pushing energy forward without regard to what may be blocking its expression. New growth is encouraged, yet the creative force may not yet be aware of its destination. Although the practical Capricorn Moon encourages us to be sensible, we are less concerned with plans or details now than the drive to move ahead.
Friday, Mar 20th, 2009 - Hope springs forth from new dreams as last year's unfulfilled ones fade away. But this isn't about defeat, for you don't have the luxury of focusing your attention on something that didn't reach fruition. Forget about the past; look ahead toward a successful future. Although it may take a while yet for you to feel as if you are gaining ground again, don't lose sight of the prize.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Nourishing Destiny...
I am in awe over what I have found. I was talking with a 2nd year student about 3 weeks ago about my desire to heal psycho-emotional conditions, and my love of the Five Elements. She suggested to research a guy named Lonny Jerrett. I filed this note in my phone and forgot about it till tonight. Lonny Jerrett is a leader in evolutionary consciousness work related to the use of acupuncture to accomplish said goals. Little did I know when I decided to look this guy up at the inspiration one of his articles provided:
I quote from an article on his site: NourishingDestiny.com. I will definitely be buying his book. I find in this my crede:
I quote from an article on his site: NourishingDestiny.com. I will definitely be buying his book. I find in this my crede:
Water: Will
Fire: Volitionality
Wood: Perspective
Metal: Transparency
Earth: Integrity
1. Only to the degree that a practitioner actually wants to be free more than *anything* else will they be able to liberate the water element in a patient.
2. Only to the degree a practitioner actually IS taking full responsibility for his or her life circumstances having renounced victimization can they liberate the fire element in a patient.
3. Only to the degree that a practitioner is Facing Everything and Avoiding Nothing and has renounced the right to hide *anything* from him or herself can they liberate the wood element in a patient.
4. Only to the degree that a practitioner is transparent (there is nowhere in his or her life they would mind others looking) and has renounced the right to take things personally can they liberate the metal element in a patient.
5. Only to the degree that a practitioner strives toward integrity and expresses gratitude for life through giving from a selfless motive can they liberate the earth element in a patient.
Anything less is collusion and can only help a patient feel more comfortable about who he or she already is. In this context, Chinese medicine is anti-evolutionary, in other words, conservative!
If I set my intention on freedom, more than anything else (water), I will take absolute responsibility for my life circumstances (fire), and be ready to face into whatever I must (wood) hiding nothing from myself, thus revealing that nothing is personal (metal) and that my own liberation is for the integrity of the whole (earth).
All work & no play = Dull, not to mention crazy
Its 6:43pm on March 12th 2008. I've passed up dinner with classmates for a quiet evening of reflection. I'm not sure that I'm necessarily in a reflective mood. I am, however, very tired from a week of exhausting cerebral work. Despite this, I am found alone with my thoughts again. It is painful to think, as primarily I wish to silence the thoughts so as to let my mind recover from the stress of thinking. Many of my recent days of studying have been moments of looking at words on paper, but the words do not even register as concepts to my mind when I read them. Any effort to made the words register meaning is lost, and my head starts to experience a dull ache of mental exhaustion.
In my reading, my thoughts bend to acupuncture and the various books I've bought to further my personal intellectual musings. My spare time has been spent with reading these books and further testing my intellect. I've not wanted to get involved with a novel. I find the act of reading painful these days, and since I have no commute, I miss out on audio books, and find it hard to justify time to audio books these days given the school load. There's usually too much homework, or too much self-created pressure at understanding this stuff as quickly as possible to give myself a break from postulation avenues of interest in every waking moment. I've had no interest in TV, world events, or dead-end small talk.
I don't have much energy for a social life, and with the cold weather I've been secluded to indoor activities which have been restricted to eating alone and reading at restaurants and cafes. I am avoiding a larger question - the same question which resurfaces its head with each new book I pick up: is this acupuncture modality right for me, or should I bend my life towards redirecting it toward Five Element (FE) acupuncture. Today at lunch I was reminded by a classmate who recognizes my love for FE that I can continue my studies and learn tools here for four years and then resume my interest in FE acupuncture education.
Today I've discovered that my thoughts don't bend there because of a desire to be a FE acupuncturist. They bend there because I am missing directional guidance on how to live my life - knowledge which I think I can find in an education centered around understanding the five phases, five energies, five motive forces, and five humors associated with the cyclical nature of life and its patterns. I find myself perplexed by the various mental traps I find myself in, the repetitive stories, the exhaustion, and for some reason, be it a hunch, be it intuitive knowledge, or be it wishful thinking - solutions for which can be found unravelled brilliantly in a Five Element way of living and being in this skin, this mind, this body, this cycle of my journey.
I seek answers for myself. I seek philosophical and spiritual guidance, and a personal education in ways of being suggested by ancient Taoist knowledge. I seek this knowledge for myself so that I can live more purely, simply, and effortlessly within each moment - learning to surf the patterns of Yin and Yang, Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal, and Water.
Its not that I do not trust the universe I am living in to look after me - its that I seek a way of maneuvering in this universe in the most natural and congruous way. I feel I lack this knowledge - or that I am unable to become present to it - present to the personal truth about my existence in theses 10,000 things and how to play and sparkle with them. I seek this in FE philosophy, because I see in writings and from prior experience that people who are well educated in Taoist philosophy simply have an easier time of riding the waves of change.
Perhaps what I seek is seclusion and immersion into my true self, my true purpose in any present moment, and not necessarily the big picture purpose for my life - which I believe is revealed incrementally as life goes on. Perhaps its that I do not trust the universe, its that I have lost my ability to read its signs and to trust my interpretation of them. When things happen - I see them as cues, I see them as having significance - yet I do not know how to interpret them. I am not able to breathe the change cycles and understand them. I am in a fog about them. A quote from a website on FE Acupuncture explains it as the following:
I have for the time-being decided to remain on Island and to continue my studies here. The decision is mostly resultant from resignation rather than acceptance, let alone choice. This is the stage of grieving that I am in I suppose.
I am not going to benefit from quitting this program and studying at a different school - a FE school at least not in the near term future. I would be losing out on learning TCM and Seitai Shinpo. I do not wish to lose the Seitai Shinpo. Naturally, it would be great to have my cake and eat it to - that is, to learn TCM, FE, and Seitai Shinpo
If there were a way of keeping Seitai Shinpo while studying FE acupuncture instead, I would find that a very interesting alternative to the path I am on. Even if that possibility were to arise, it would be a very difficult choice to make. I've become a part of the TCM program here, and to quit the program so as to perform home study with another school would require an income which would allow me to travel to Colorado for two weeks every 3 months, not to mention a support structure that I would again rob myself of by quitting this school.
I'm not sure I could do that. I would have to get a job here that would provide that income, and find time to study remotely at the same time. I would also likely have to move out of the house here, so that my FE studies would not be confused with TCM studies my roommates would be continuing.
I have been encouraged to talk with my Sensei about the possibility to continue studying with her while learning FE. In a way, this possibility sound ludicrous - but in another way, it would be actually immersing me in the psychoemotional philosophical model I seek for my own well-being - for the immersion in the wisdom I seek with which to guide healing for myself and others.
Another possibility I am considering is purchasing the books associated with a FE curriculum, and studying these in my spare time, but spare time is a commodity I do not have with the pressure of the existing program.
The other advice I get is for patience - patience - patience. Let myself walk on this path until the FE path becomes easier to walk, after the current path has been walked. I feel my Liver pulse getting more and more wiry the more I sit with the frustration of that trap.
After writing this I will be sure to find some Liver-Spleen disharmony points and try to exercise these demons. I've had several treatments for acupuncturists here, and yet I don't get the feeling that they have any idea of how to help me move on emotionally - something I've recognized FE people to be capable of. Frustrations are the key indicator of Wood disharmony, and being stuck in a rut is that of Earth. My strongest element is Metal, my weakest is Wood. Diseases develop most frequently between these two for me, though recent intellectual pursuits have shot my Spleen to hell as well. Clear-headedness has left the building as a result. The odd thing is that I am too tired to even express much of these emotions. I'm just left with a general sense of unease, and lack of intellectual strength to tackle these challenges. I have found an obscure reference to a FE acupuncturist who lives south of Kona. I will have to give the number listed a call and see if there is an opportunity for an appointment.
On a general note, the sun has returned to Waimea after being in hiding for 3 weeks. I am looking forward to getting some Vitamin D back into my body! All work and no play has made this one a very dull boy. I don't even know how to select my play in and around the house.
I wish for my mind to rest, but I don't seem to have an outlet that is non-cerebral. Tomorrow I feel very happy to be invited to have dinner with a 3rd year friend I made in school and her roommate. I'm bringing garlic bread. It will be great to hang out. She and I get along great, and from what I've heard of her roommate, I'm sure he and I will get along really well too. I'm glad to be making friends outside of my immediate classroom also.
In my reading, my thoughts bend to acupuncture and the various books I've bought to further my personal intellectual musings. My spare time has been spent with reading these books and further testing my intellect. I've not wanted to get involved with a novel. I find the act of reading painful these days, and since I have no commute, I miss out on audio books, and find it hard to justify time to audio books these days given the school load. There's usually too much homework, or too much self-created pressure at understanding this stuff as quickly as possible to give myself a break from postulation avenues of interest in every waking moment. I've had no interest in TV, world events, or dead-end small talk.
I don't have much energy for a social life, and with the cold weather I've been secluded to indoor activities which have been restricted to eating alone and reading at restaurants and cafes. I am avoiding a larger question - the same question which resurfaces its head with each new book I pick up: is this acupuncture modality right for me, or should I bend my life towards redirecting it toward Five Element (FE) acupuncture. Today at lunch I was reminded by a classmate who recognizes my love for FE that I can continue my studies and learn tools here for four years and then resume my interest in FE acupuncture education.
Today I've discovered that my thoughts don't bend there because of a desire to be a FE acupuncturist. They bend there because I am missing directional guidance on how to live my life - knowledge which I think I can find in an education centered around understanding the five phases, five energies, five motive forces, and five humors associated with the cyclical nature of life and its patterns. I find myself perplexed by the various mental traps I find myself in, the repetitive stories, the exhaustion, and for some reason, be it a hunch, be it intuitive knowledge, or be it wishful thinking - solutions for which can be found unravelled brilliantly in a Five Element way of living and being in this skin, this mind, this body, this cycle of my journey.
I seek answers for myself. I seek philosophical and spiritual guidance, and a personal education in ways of being suggested by ancient Taoist knowledge. I seek this knowledge for myself so that I can live more purely, simply, and effortlessly within each moment - learning to surf the patterns of Yin and Yang, Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal, and Water.
Its not that I do not trust the universe I am living in to look after me - its that I seek a way of maneuvering in this universe in the most natural and congruous way. I feel I lack this knowledge - or that I am unable to become present to it - present to the personal truth about my existence in theses 10,000 things and how to play and sparkle with them. I seek this in FE philosophy, because I see in writings and from prior experience that people who are well educated in Taoist philosophy simply have an easier time of riding the waves of change.
Perhaps what I seek is seclusion and immersion into my true self, my true purpose in any present moment, and not necessarily the big picture purpose for my life - which I believe is revealed incrementally as life goes on. Perhaps its that I do not trust the universe, its that I have lost my ability to read its signs and to trust my interpretation of them. When things happen - I see them as cues, I see them as having significance - yet I do not know how to interpret them. I am not able to breathe the change cycles and understand them. I am in a fog about them. A quote from a website on FE Acupuncture explains it as the following:
"One of the greatest skills in Five Element Acupuncture is diagnosing which is the weakest part of the system. This is done by observing the client closely to see which of the elements is giving off the most distress signals.
For example, the Fire Element may be disturbed leading to feelings of vulnerability or betrayal. The Earth element may become stuck in a rut, with the client unable to move forward. The metal element may become tarnished making the patient ‘feel like rubbish’. The water element may become frozen with fear and the wood element may become baulked with frustration, lack of vision and depression.
This is where the real skill of 5 Element Acupuncture comes in. All of the senses need to be recruited in order to recognise which element is crying out the loudest for help. Since each of us is made of a unique blend of the five elements, this can be a very challenging."
I have for the time-being decided to remain on Island and to continue my studies here. The decision is mostly resultant from resignation rather than acceptance, let alone choice. This is the stage of grieving that I am in I suppose.
I am not going to benefit from quitting this program and studying at a different school - a FE school at least not in the near term future. I would be losing out on learning TCM and Seitai Shinpo. I do not wish to lose the Seitai Shinpo. Naturally, it would be great to have my cake and eat it to - that is, to learn TCM, FE, and Seitai Shinpo
If there were a way of keeping Seitai Shinpo while studying FE acupuncture instead, I would find that a very interesting alternative to the path I am on. Even if that possibility were to arise, it would be a very difficult choice to make. I've become a part of the TCM program here, and to quit the program so as to perform home study with another school would require an income which would allow me to travel to Colorado for two weeks every 3 months, not to mention a support structure that I would again rob myself of by quitting this school.
I'm not sure I could do that. I would have to get a job here that would provide that income, and find time to study remotely at the same time. I would also likely have to move out of the house here, so that my FE studies would not be confused with TCM studies my roommates would be continuing.
I have been encouraged to talk with my Sensei about the possibility to continue studying with her while learning FE. In a way, this possibility sound ludicrous - but in another way, it would be actually immersing me in the psychoemotional philosophical model I seek for my own well-being - for the immersion in the wisdom I seek with which to guide healing for myself and others.
Another possibility I am considering is purchasing the books associated with a FE curriculum, and studying these in my spare time, but spare time is a commodity I do not have with the pressure of the existing program.
The other advice I get is for patience - patience - patience. Let myself walk on this path until the FE path becomes easier to walk, after the current path has been walked. I feel my Liver pulse getting more and more wiry the more I sit with the frustration of that trap.
After writing this I will be sure to find some Liver-Spleen disharmony points and try to exercise these demons. I've had several treatments for acupuncturists here, and yet I don't get the feeling that they have any idea of how to help me move on emotionally - something I've recognized FE people to be capable of. Frustrations are the key indicator of Wood disharmony, and being stuck in a rut is that of Earth. My strongest element is Metal, my weakest is Wood. Diseases develop most frequently between these two for me, though recent intellectual pursuits have shot my Spleen to hell as well. Clear-headedness has left the building as a result. The odd thing is that I am too tired to even express much of these emotions. I'm just left with a general sense of unease, and lack of intellectual strength to tackle these challenges. I have found an obscure reference to a FE acupuncturist who lives south of Kona. I will have to give the number listed a call and see if there is an opportunity for an appointment.
On a general note, the sun has returned to Waimea after being in hiding for 3 weeks. I am looking forward to getting some Vitamin D back into my body! All work and no play has made this one a very dull boy. I don't even know how to select my play in and around the house.
I wish for my mind to rest, but I don't seem to have an outlet that is non-cerebral. Tomorrow I feel very happy to be invited to have dinner with a 3rd year friend I made in school and her roommate. I'm bringing garlic bread. It will be great to hang out. She and I get along great, and from what I've heard of her roommate, I'm sure he and I will get along really well too. I'm glad to be making friends outside of my immediate classroom also.
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