All work & no play = Dull, not to mention crazy

Its 6:43pm on March 12th 2008. I've passed up dinner with classmates for a quiet evening of reflection. I'm not sure that I'm necessarily in a reflective mood. I am, however, very tired from a week of exhausting cerebral work. Despite this, I am found alone with my thoughts again. It is painful to think, as primarily I wish to silence the thoughts so as to let my mind recover from the stress of thinking. Many of my recent days of studying have been moments of looking at words on paper, but the words do not even register as concepts to my mind when I read them. Any effort to made the words register meaning is lost, and my head starts to experience a dull ache of mental exhaustion.

In my reading, my thoughts bend to acupuncture and the various books I've bought to further my personal intellectual musings. My spare time has been spent with reading these books and further testing my intellect. I've not wanted to get involved with a novel. I find the act of reading painful these days, and since I have no commute, I miss out on audio books, and find it hard to justify time to audio books these days given the school load. There's usually too much homework, or too much self-created pressure at understanding this stuff as quickly as possible to give myself a break from postulation avenues of interest in every waking moment. I've had no interest in TV, world events, or dead-end small talk.

I don't have much energy for a social life, and with the cold weather I've been secluded to indoor activities which have been restricted to eating alone and reading at restaurants and cafes. I am avoiding a larger question - the same question which resurfaces its head with each new book I pick up: is this acupuncture modality right for me, or should I bend my life towards redirecting it toward Five Element (FE) acupuncture. Today at lunch I was reminded by a classmate who recognizes my love for FE that I can continue my studies and learn tools here for four years and then resume my interest in FE acupuncture education.

Today I've discovered that my thoughts don't bend there because of a desire to be a FE acupuncturist. They bend there because I am missing directional guidance on how to live my life - knowledge which I think I can find in an education centered around understanding the five phases, five energies, five motive forces, and five humors associated with the cyclical nature of life and its patterns. I find myself perplexed by the various mental traps I find myself in, the repetitive stories, the exhaustion, and for some reason, be it a hunch, be it intuitive knowledge, or be it wishful thinking - solutions for which can be found unravelled brilliantly in a Five Element way of living and being in this skin, this mind, this body, this cycle of my journey.

I seek answers for myself. I seek philosophical and spiritual guidance, and a personal education in ways of being suggested by ancient Taoist knowledge. I seek this knowledge for myself so that I can live more purely, simply, and effortlessly within each moment - learning to surf the patterns of Yin and Yang, Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal, and Water.

Its not that I do not trust the universe I am living in to look after me - its that I seek a way of maneuvering in this universe in the most natural and congruous way. I feel I lack this knowledge - or that I am unable to become present to it - present to the personal truth about my existence in theses 10,000 things and how to play and sparkle with them. I seek this in FE philosophy, because I see in writings and from prior experience that people who are well educated in Taoist philosophy simply have an easier time of riding the waves of change.

Perhaps what I seek is seclusion and immersion into my true self, my true purpose in any present moment, and not necessarily the big picture purpose for my life - which I believe is revealed incrementally as life goes on. Perhaps its that I do not trust the universe, its that I have lost my ability to read its signs and to trust my interpretation of them. When things happen - I see them as cues, I see them as having significance - yet I do not know how to interpret them. I am not able to breathe the change cycles and understand them. I am in a fog about them. A quote from a website on FE Acupuncture explains it as the following:

"One of the greatest skills in Five Element Acupuncture is diagnosing which is the weakest part of the system. This is done by observing the client closely to see which of the elements is giving off the most distress signals.

For example, the Fire Element may be disturbed leading to feelings of vulnerability or betrayal. The Earth element may become stuck in a rut, with the client unable to move forward. The metal element may become tarnished making the patient ‘feel like rubbish’. The water element may become frozen with fear and the wood element may become baulked with frustration, lack of vision and depression.

This is where the real skill of 5 Element Acupuncture comes in. All of the senses need to be recruited in order to recognise which element is crying out the loudest for help. Since each of us is made of a unique blend of the five elements, this can be a very challenging."

I have for the time-being decided to remain on Island and to continue my studies here. The decision is mostly resultant from resignation rather than acceptance, let alone choice. This is the stage of grieving that I am in I suppose.

I am not going to benefit from quitting this program and studying at a different school - a FE school at least not in the near term future. I would be losing out on learning TCM and Seitai Shinpo. I do not wish to lose the Seitai Shinpo. Naturally, it would be great to have my cake and eat it to - that is, to learn TCM, FE, and Seitai Shinpo

If there were a way of keeping Seitai Shinpo while studying FE acupuncture instead, I would find that a very interesting alternative to the path I am on. Even if that possibility were to arise, it would be a very difficult choice to make. I've become a part of the TCM program here, and to quit the program so as to perform home study with another school would require an income which would allow me to travel to Colorado for two weeks every 3 months, not to mention a support structure that I would again rob myself of by quitting this school.

I'm not sure I could do that. I would have to get a job here that would provide that income, and find time to study remotely at the same time. I would also likely have to move out of the house here, so that my FE studies would not be confused with TCM studies my roommates would be continuing.

I have been encouraged to talk with my Sensei about the possibility to continue studying with her while learning FE. In a way, this possibility sound ludicrous - but in another way, it would be actually immersing me in the psychoemotional philosophical model I seek for my own well-being - for the immersion in the wisdom I seek with which to guide healing for myself and others.

Another possibility I am considering is purchasing the books associated with a FE curriculum, and studying these in my spare time, but spare time is a commodity I do not have with the pressure of the existing program.

The other advice I get is for patience - patience - patience. Let myself walk on this path until the FE path becomes easier to walk, after the current path has been walked. I feel my Liver pulse getting more and more wiry the more I sit with the frustration of that trap.

After writing this I will be sure to find some Liver-Spleen disharmony points and try to exercise these demons. I've had several treatments for acupuncturists here, and yet I don't get the feeling that they have any idea of how to help me move on emotionally - something I've recognized FE people to be capable of. Frustrations are the key indicator of Wood disharmony, and being stuck in a rut is that of Earth. My strongest element is Metal, my weakest is Wood. Diseases develop most frequently between these two for me, though recent intellectual pursuits have shot my Spleen to hell as well. Clear-headedness has left the building as a result. The odd thing is that I am too tired to even express much of these emotions. I'm just left with a general sense of unease, and lack of intellectual strength to tackle these challenges. I have found an obscure reference to a FE acupuncturist who lives south of Kona. I will have to give the number listed a call and see if there is an opportunity for an appointment.

On a general note, the sun has returned to Waimea after being in hiding for 3 weeks. I am looking forward to getting some Vitamin D back into my body! All work and no play has made this one a very dull boy. I don't even know how to select my play in and around the house.

I wish for my mind to rest, but I don't seem to have an outlet that is non-cerebral. Tomorrow I feel very happy to be invited to have dinner with a 3rd year friend I made in school and her roommate. I'm bringing garlic bread. It will be great to hang out. She and I get along great, and from what I've heard of her roommate, I'm sure he and I will get along really well too. I'm glad to be making friends outside of my immediate classroom also.