Into the Future...

The short sale process with my bank has began. An era of my life is coming to an end this month. An 8 year journey with my company, and a 3 year love hate relationship with my house. Today marked the initiation of a major financial change, and the last work-related conversation I had with my replacement. The company, though they miss me, is moving on splendidly without me - the changes taking place are exciting to watch, and I fear for my department's staff not being able to keep up with the increasing demands for excellence that the new infusion of blood is expecting of them. I am sympathetic to their plight as they try to detach themselves from bad habits and internal cultural climate that necessitated cutting corners, a climate made a long time ago which now come back to haunt everyone.

What goes up, must come down...

As for me? Basic relatively. Yin and Yang. As an aside, the theory of relativity and the modern scientific revolution occurred only within 5-10 years of the introduction of the Yin and Yang theory and theory of Qi from the far East into Europe. Likewise, the chief physicist credited with the invention of quantum physics had been chiefly inspired by Yin Yang theory and in fect changed his family crest to that of the Yin Yang symbol.

All decisions good or bad have repercussions. I am learning this the hard way. I'm happy that I'm fully aware that all of what has been happening to me is based on complete culpability on my part as a result of years of decision making that created my life as it is today - but that still doesn't mean that dealing with any of this is easy. Much of my life I have not had to worry about consequences - partly because I've lived a fairly self-sheltered life, avoiding overly questionable decisions and situations in life. Most of my personality is structured around risk mitigation, and prevention - two traits that were the basis for a successful career in project management and departmental leadership, with all the politics that it entailed. Fairly good judgement, blessing, and good luck have been with me all my life. Yet, I still cannot escape consequences of the area which I have always terribly neglectful - dealing with conflict with an authority figure, and being financially smart and responsible. In my career I never had to deal with conflict. Most of the conflict I managed to prevent, and any and conflict that did exist, I found myself very capable at mitigating.

My financial situation is a mess, however. I owe much tax and will be cleaning that up along with selling the house which I can no longer afford - a house that should have been sold a long time ago had it not been for the economic collapse. I knew my contract arrangement with my job would eventually end, but I had banked of not having the house payment to worry about as I had intended to sell my property when I decided to leave Maryland in pursuit of school in Hawaii.

Today's conversation with the bank was very difficult for me. I lost many hours of sleep last night fearing the conversation, its repercussions, and angry reprimands from an unknown man behind the curtain. Instead, the conversation with 4 different departments was very pleasant, quick, and matter of fact. There was no bear. They will send me forms I must fill out, and a family friend who's a real estate agent will help me with the rest. I felt relief after completing the conversation, and much self-recrimination for how hard I resist doing things which may involve situations of conflict. The pain, and anguish over the decision to go through with a short sale and letting go of my house was completely self-imposed, and after the conversation was replaced with tears of sadness for the internal battle, and tears of joy for having completed it. The next phantom that I will have to battle in my head is the image of the IRS.

Emotional Recovery...

In addition to today's progress financially, I am very pleased to report that my mental and emotional health over the last 3 days has been the best its ever been in since the start of school last September. I owe much of it to a teacher at the school who went above and beyond in writing down and researching for me points which I can stimulate, as well as recommending an herb that I might consider taking to restore my Spleen Qi.

I have been emotionally in pieces over the past 6 months and my depression had been getting worse. The research she provided me inspired me to take my healing into my own hands rather than considering returning to a life on anti-depressants. Applying moxibustion to the points CV12, 6, 17 helped calm down my energy and settle my emotions down - points which I had used on occasion before but not together. I've also added SP9 and ST36. Additionally, based on her suggestion of gently tonifying the Spleen with Fu Ling (Poria Cocos), and another teacher's suggestion to try Gan Mai Da Zao Tang decoction (Licorice, Wheat, and Jujube Date decoction to pacify the mind) I decided to create an herbal prescription from my home apothecary which included herbs which I had not had to use for a long time, and certainly not in the current combination. The formula consists mainly of Spleen Qi tonics, Drain Damp herbs, and pacify the Spirit herbs. It includes such herbs as Albizzia flower and bark, Poria, Polygala, Wheat, Jujube Dates, Licorice, Dioscorea, Atractylodes, and Ginger. Albizzia has been used in the pharmacopeia to heal the effects on the body of too much grief, while many of the other herbs gently tonify the Spleen and drain away dampness.

Chinese medicine regards that a person's Spirit/Mind has 5 aspects that are governed each by the 5 Yin organs. The Spleen governs the Intellect/Memory/Cognative ability. The Kidney governs the Will Power and determination. The Liver governs the Etherial soul that create dreams and plans life's purpose. The Lung governs the Corporial soul that sustains the autonomic functioning of the body. The Heart, which governs the Mind as an organ which synthesizes and incorporates all aspects of consciousness. Naturally the organs here are regarded as metaphors of the energetic system represented by each organ, and not as the solid grouping of cells that constitute the physical organ itself.

The effects of the formula are mild but distinctive. My main symptoms have included sadness, crying, shortness of breath, despondency, perseverative thinking, fear, fatigue, occasional anger and frustration, and an inability to decide on a course of action in most areas of my life. At the center of it all has been my depleted Spleen Qi - a cumulative result of overtaxation of the intellect. My intellectual capacity was exhausted from before Christmas of 2007 through the summer of 2008 with the change in guard at work and the terribly complex sets of projects I was involved in, decision to move to Hawaii with mental effort that the planning entailed, and extremely complex design and technical writing I had to perform right before the beginning of school. In addition to this, school started, I left behind my support structure of great friends and family, and the culmination of changing everything about my life all at once placed me in a state of internal chaos that my taxed intellect has been trying to sort through without success over the past several months.

Exhaustion from these life changes eroded my Spleen Qi and my Heart blood. The formula I'm taking seems to have tranquilized the Heart's emotional constraint from spilling out into the other organs and causing my terribly uncomfortable physiological symptoms of shortness of breath and dyspnea, while the other herbs have been draining dampness from my Spleen and tonifying Spleen Qi. I am hopeful that as I change the formula and remove some of the Spirit-affecting herbs over time that the Spleen Qi will reassert itself again and provide me with the sustained mental energy I need to continue my studying without the emotional repercussions associated with continued Spleen taxation.

I'm still learning the mechanics of all of this, but this is as best as I've come up with in terms of justification of the formula and the analysis of its function and construction. I'm just thankful its working. I no longer seem to be at the mercy of my out of control emotional state.

This week I have four exams. Woo hoo! I'm so excited. :-P