I have lost my rudder. To be alone has had its colors. For the majority of my life, being alone has alternated between loneliness and solitude - resting mostly on loneliness and the restlessness associated therein.
To me, quiet, when I have it, is pleasant and I often retreat to my room to be alone with my thoughts so as to escape the chaos of the house. Now, however, the silence is uncomfortable. Rather than it being a pleasant break from the laughter, exuberance, screeching, joking, bitching, coughing, sneezing, singing, shouting, quoting movies, quoting songs, or some show on TV - are instead now a deadness of space, a silence of objects around me still in their unmoving suchness. Every imperfection of this moment showing up.
Normally when I impose my room's silence on myself, it is in a space of forced retreat and self-gifted relief, under a feeling of duress, for I don't like to retreat to my bedroom away from the warmth of the living room and its objects. The thoughts upon retreat include resentments for my living situation, with a mixture of fearful knowledge that if I did live alone, I would be plunged into a darkness of despairing possession of the calling voices of the unmade decisions that require themselves to be heart, resolved, and followed.
Silence as Pain:
Complete silences at times of surrounding stress are painful. They leave me wanting to escape my problems and unmade decisions back into the din of the group and the interplay therein. Their discomfort has me grasp for quick solutions: should I turn on the TV? Should I watch a DVD? Should I take a walk? Should I avoid these distractions and make a to-do list of everything that I must do? Should I do homework? Should I research a retreat plan off this island? Should I research things to do to occupy my time on the island and a way of belonging? Should I...
The thoughts that come are angels and devils in disguise. They are defenses set up to prevent myself from going too deep, but they don't free me from problems which I must truly confront. All of theses 'shoulds' call me to do, instead of to be. And being as an alternative to doing would free me from these objects called 'problems'.
Silence as a Mirror:
I have not been alone in this house since the summer - where the excitement and unpredictability over the future filled my silence with expectation of newness. Instead, this silence is filled with the expectations of sameness - the return of the sounds, and the reality of the drudgery I have found myself in day in and day out.
My drudgery is that of learning and attending a mix of classes - some I like - some I hate and resent. I have not found a purpose for myself here. I have no solace in my school. I have no solace in my books, or a cat to entertain me. I have no solace or resoluteness about the decisions I have made. I have no solace in the beauty of the island - for my times to enjoy it are oh so brief with the pressure of school and studies compressing my time. My will and my call to embrace my decisions, my path, my chosen future has gone. I have no ability to find direction in life. There is only the darkness of the unknown, of the uncomfortable, of the regret, and of the fear of being here, alone and unanchored. This fear is due to my malnourished Kidneys (Water Element) which would normally be nourished by a healthy Lungs (Metal Element).
I have no anchor in my decision to be here, and no anchor in my decision to return back to Maryland. What awaits me of a life there? I gave up my work, and my house. There is no more routine and managed order there for me to seek stability in. What does await me at home is the support of my friends and family.
Here, I have been swept away in the workload associated with my decision to live here and after trying to find my place here, I have not reached a still point. Where will my solace come from for I am not enjoying my life. I am at cause of my decisions, yet I feel unable to unmake them. Unable to return home to the embrace of friends and family at the snap of the fingers. Unable to return to a former life of pleasant and comforting routines, ones which were marked with the bitterness which had me leave. But ney, it was not the bitterness of the life I had that had me leave - it was the promise of an idea - the idea of a future filled with joy, fulfillment of a new career path, and great weather. The reality that met me here instead was that of routines which are not mine.
My routines here propel me into a future as an acupuncturist, but do not provide me with a belonging to my body, to my soul, and to my mind. My life had formerly consisted of well controlled patterns - a clean house, an order in my physical world - order of which gave my order to my mental world. The order of a commute to work, the order of work to be done and to be left alone. The order of regular patterns of seeing my friends and family. The order of caring for plants, and meditative acts of cleaning and continuing to create order. The chaos of living with others who's lives do not require an ordered universe has thrown me into a place of living under the roof of someone-else's house, someone-else's school schedule, someone-else's weather patterns, someone-else's friends, and someone-else's life.
To create order in this space seems like an insurmountable task. The moment the house is clean, there are books, papers, cups, unwashed plates, pens, blankets, bottles, utensils, and shoes that scatter throughout the order within a day of having rebuilt my ordered universe. The moment a new semester starts, the teachers change class schedules, assign required books which don't get referenced, they deviate from subjects, deliver lectures in a haphazard manner. The moment the weather is clear and sunny, the Vog comes and settles over the landscape, obscuring it from view for days.
Metal:
I believed that my Chinese Elemental typology was that of Fire. I'm now firmly convinced that my life has always been that of the rigid structure of Metal. A recent test I took of my personality breakdown had me pegged at 33% Metal, 30% Water, and 22% Fire, 13% Wood, 2% Earth.
No wonder my Lungs (organs associated with Metal element disposition) have been thrown into chaos. The rhythms of the Metal element are separating the pure from the impure - rhythmically breathing in, and breathing out. Inspiration bringing new energy, and expiration discarding and letting go of that which is no longer useful. My breathing has been disrupted for months - shortness of breath, dyspnea, and emotions of grief, worry, and sadness which are all associated with the Metal element and dysfunction of the Lungs. I have thrown myself into chaos - that which my Metal is trying to sort into order and failing. My Lungs are being smelted by the Fires of Pele, and my life has lost regularity in all patterns - spiritual, emotional, and psychological.
The Carnival:
I am at the mercy of the flotsam and jetsam of this island's inhabitants turning a well-ordered world into utter chaos! Ahhh!! What on earth possessed me to think that uprooting my entire life, forging into the unknown of no income, and plopping myself in faith in the middle of an island that changes shape at the whim of a Volcano's lava flows would provide me with stability that I need to nurture me on my path of self-development?
I am learning the elemental truths of life. How can I embrace this chaos and find my solid foundation. Its interesting to consider that my closest friends back home are both Earth, and while their lives do not contain an abundance of the Metal element in their personalities but as Earth, they nourish my Metal and allow me my order-creation machinery to run while providing me the foundation and stability offered by the Earth Element.
Even my whole prior career has been creating order out of chaos in a corporate setting - software development, to project management, to strategic product development and leadership - my secondary element Water - giving me the love of philosophy and understanding of the psychological undercurrents of life, and Fire - giving me the joy and exuberance with which to bring people together for a common purpose.
It is within my new career as an acupuncturist that my life's goal will be to create order within the lives of my patients through restoring them to their own elemental balance and constitutional health. I hope I reach that goal - but I must find a place of order - either by finding or creating it here, or by returning to the support of my home in Maryland.
As for me, I'm at a loss as to how to embrace this chaos - how to make peace with it - how to make it work for me. But the silence of this evening has been a gift of self discovery - and the stillness of Water has allowed me to delve into the waters of my inner psyche/pscyho and find a still point of the self-satisfaction of having been granted new knowledge.
Water & Metal along the Kohala Coast...
6 comments:
After reading your comments and self-disclosure, I went to check what is this "metal" element that I see myself in.
Here is what googling revealed:
<- Metal-type people are righteous, faithful, gallant and chivalrous. They like to know and help people.
-Metal is the substance in which internal particles squeeze and condense together. There is a force from the outside to the inside that keeps Metal hard. Metal reflects light, so it is shiny. It may have a clear sound when it's hit. Therefore, a Metal-type person has great strength, discipline and enough courage to aid needy people, which may make them famous.
- Metal people are brave, disciplined, trained, organized, authoritative, determinative, routine, firm, resolute and have an urge to win. They have a large sense of honor. They like to spread their fame. They are sensitive in grief and sadness.
- People that lack Metal are quiet, cautious and nervous. They tend to think too much, and cannot make quick decisions. They do not express what is on their minds in public, but will complain about something afterwards.
- People with excess Metal are often unkind and destructive. They are brave but may have no resourcefulness and no intelligence. They have little grace and no mercy. They do not keep secrets.>
Plenty to think about. Thank you for stimulating my thinking - about yourself and your discoveries; also about myself.
Wonder what you think?
wow..that was quite a post. full of insights and self-discoveries. I'm glad you used the uncomfortable (though thank God for it!) silence so productively. :)
when we talked about your new discovery of being a metal type last week, I had my misgivings, but now that I think about it, and I've read what you wrote, what your dad wrote, it makes so much more sense than fire ever did. I think you wanted to be fire so much, it was easy to make it fit at the time. we can have a whole new perspective on our relationship now. hehe
you'll figure out where it is you're really meant to be (that is, where you feel most at peace) and you'll create who it is you're meant to be. I have unwavering faith in you. :)
be looking for your present in about a week. hopefully the package makes the plane and not the boat this time. :-D
Adding a PS to my post - I love these black & white photos. It all reminded me of my b&w days when I started my own adventure with photography. You are a natural to creative photographic experience, not only how you shoot, but also how you are framing it. One can see you in those images. Thank you for making me proud of your sensitivity and your vision of that you see around you.
Dad,
Thanks for your comments about the Metal element. I've always found you to have a lot of Metal, and for mom to have a lot of Wood. We each are all of the Five Elements in different proportions, thus not all of these things apply.
It is also true that people tend to develop the most dysfunction in their Weakest and Strongest elements and often lack the traits completely when an element is deficient due to emotional or physical disharmony. A disharmony of an element my be a deficiency, or an excess of traits and physiological issues.
What is interesting to note as one looks deeply into this is the relationship between physical and mental symptoms that morph, change, and develop as our lives spin around the microcosm of our internal 5 Element Seasons, while the macrocosm goes through its own seasonal changes.
So much to learn, only one lifetime. Its certainly very annoying.
Thanks, Suzy for your note -
Indeed there were times in my life where I exhibited more Fire in my personality, as my Fire element was more in balance with the rest - as you mentioned in our conversation, we had not read through all of the Elemental typologies back then, so when I saw Fire and its general emotional states, etc, I resonated with that.
Oh wow Michael, though I have nothing intelligent to say about what I just read I'm amazed to find so much depth and beauty from my old class-mate. How little we talked and found out about each other, personally I was too busy surviving that place called Stanborough ;-)...XXX
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