11/13/11 – Longing

In stark contrast to the refuse, this is also the most beautiful and amazing time of year for me. I love it in the fall. Ah the magnificence of the leaves and the preciousness, and the glory of them just warms my soul and makes me inspired in awe of the gorgeousness of colorful explosions - and in me develops this great longing, this great appreciation for the wonder around me. Because I know this is going to fade away, I want to hold onto it even more, and so I pine for it, long for it, seek it out.

This time of year I make my whole life, and orient myself around being in the fall. Every time I go out I wonder – is this going to be gone tomorrow? Can I soak in everything, can I take in everything, can I be inspired enough and hold onto it and live off of that inspiration, of off the wonder for a whole year till I see it again? If I were seeking this feeling my whole life I would surely always feel empty – living from one spiritual high to the next – never feeling fully connected to spirit and the world would always look heavy, uninspiring and gray. This reminds me of the point LU 2, Cloud Gate which makes an opening in the clouds that hover over and obscure our experience of Heavenly inspiration so that we can once again be inspired by the wonder and mystery of life.

Because it is so precious, this taking away of life, this final end, this final shout and hurrah of the spirit captivates my imagination and makes me crave more. Longing. It's a fascinating emotion. It is this pining, this drawing forth. Energetically, the whole body wants to move forward and up and quest to be filled. This time of year I want to take in deep breaths and feel the cold air in my lungs filled with the crackling, scortchy rot that is present. The scent here carries the dryness of the leaves, which show their scorchiness and acrid spiciness – and when wet, show their rotten moldiness.

At the same time as I take in the beauty I have disdain, pain, and rejection for what is left. The structures. The shells of former life of trees that just stand there – dead. There is a certain lack of any worth in them any more. They're dry and brittle kindling, brown and gray and lifeless. And when that is what surrounds our lives – when we perceive things to be dry and brittle and worthless all the time, we may have this form of disdain and sadness, and longing for what they once were, or what they could have been. I’m reminded of the point LU 8, Meridian Gutter which allows us to flush out preoccupation with the past, the lack of value of what’s present around us in order to make room for receiving inspiration and spirit back into our lives – or simply perceiving life as it truly is in the present.

I remember when I had to put down my cat of 18 years. I felt so connected to him and so in thanks and awe of his life while he lay there on the doctor’s table. I was in tears and disbelief that his life was coming to an end. Once the injection was given I felt his spirit moving slowly and more calmly through his body and suddenly he left, floated for a brief second or two in the room, and left. With his spirit leaving his body my tears stopped and there was nothing left to connect to or cry about – his spirit has been liberated. The body that lay on the table was no longer my cat and when I looked at his body I felt nothing at all for it. I found it odd – an object, worthless, growing cold.