1/25/11 – Skiing

I couldn’t sleep the night before my ski lesson. The anticipation of the day to come and the fear of falling and hurting myself had me awake. I watched the hours tick by as I finally caught two hours of sleep between 5 and 7. In the day to come I fell over and over again. I tried to listen to the instructor who kept saying to ‘relax’, ‘lean into the mountain’ and ‘less is more’. I struggled hard against the impulse to be in control of every muscle, every movement, and every emotion and feeling that arose. He said that in skiing we have to unlearn everything that seems natural. We want to brace against impact. When faced with gravity we want to fall backwards and push against it. Skiing is all about going into, giving into, and going through the fear and anxiety and leaning down into the mountain on each turn. Keep your head up, and never look down – in other words, face life with courage. I can feel the energetic difference between looking down in dread, or up with determination.

I felt dread looking down the mountain slope, my mind predicting scenarios of my impeding doom - crashing into a tree, or falling off the edge – or worse, getting onto a Black Diamond by mistake and rolling down the mountain, breaking every bone in my body. Despite these fears I felt courage rise up in me to get up after each fall and try, try again. I ignored the predictions of doom and simply focused my intention on the present. I was the slowest student in the bunch. I felt ok with that – I somehow knew I would be before we even got there. At one point, the ski instructor told me, that the more of a perfectionist, or control freak I am, the harder the learning will me for me. He said I must simply give into the mountain, and move in only subtle small ways – the mountain will amplify my movements. The sharper the action the greater the consequence. If I try to be perfect without reacting fluidly and organically to each circumstance, the mountain will teach me the lesson.

There was a passage that I would always accelerate at and had little control in stopping. I would be weary of it each time I would approach it. To me it was my KD 21, The Dark Gate. Instead of relaxing into it, my body would stiffen and become more aware, calculating and aware of the circumstances. My eyes would dart to and fro as my whole body would poise for a crash – fearing the absolute worst.

I spoke with my friend Judith later that day. She said that Skiing had helped her incredibly with her music career. By giving into the mountain and learning to let go of control and perfectionism, her music became more beautiful, more natural, free flowing, and heartfelt. I knew that I would instantly love this sport and I do. I am addicted. By the end of the second day I skied two 20-minute runs perfectly. I felt the movement of the mountain and the skis under me. As I gained speed, instead of panicking, I simply leaned into the curves and let the skis and snow do the rest. The snow is an incredible teacher and I am in awe of how much I have to learn about the free flow of qi and to play in the dance.

I went together to learn with my friend Aaron. He got it much quicker than me. We had five people in our group, and two had skied a little before. Aaron wanted to go on harder slopes to push himself. I was fully aware of my own limits and I didn’t want to graduate to a harder green slope until I had confidence with the ones I was on. I was aware of my limits and knew I would not be convinced otherwise. This was a rigidity and stubbornness born out of self-awareness. Perhaps I can call that a moment of personal wisdom.

The two students who skied before encouraged him and gave him peer pressure to join them. He decided to do it. He tried to get me to go. I stood my ground firmly, thanked him for the offer and told him I was quite happy where I was. When I met him at the bottom of the mountain after having taken the easy trail I found him shaken, hyperventilating with a dazed and blank look in his eyes as if he were reliving each moment. He said that he was done for the day and couldn’t imagine going up there again. He had several major wipeouts down a hill that tested him beyond his limits. I was reminded of KD 20, Through the Valley and then him sitting on the bench, experiencing Walking on the Verandah (KD 22).

Next time I go, I will once again resume on the bunny hills and test various turns, stops and techniques on a safe and slower slope. Once I amass enough skill, confidence and courage I will accelerate, move through and push myself to harder greens. As my Water adapts to new circumstances and new challenges, I will continue to learn the lessons of flowing with the Universe.

The people at Winter Park had a fascinating energy. Interacting with the snowboarders, skiers, and shopkeepers and waitresses there was an energy of self-confidence, ease and flow. It was clear to me that these people’s spirits and lives had been altered by snow sports and by the mountain in profound ways. Their very energy was reassuring and self-confident.

When asked about their lives and experience, they’d get a self-reflective inward look – not one of excitement over their lives as much as deep self-knowledge amassed through their experience. When they asked us about our experience they didn’t laugh, joke, or make light of our novice experience. They emanated an aura of reassuring respect. They’d share their knowledge and wisdom. We’d overhead people sharing their stories of the mountain – spectacular wipeouts, most dangerous encounters, and feats of incredible ability and skill that either amazed them, or seemed like old hat.

The words of the instructor struck me “Once you ski one slope with confidence, it will no longer be enough. You will want harder and harder hills. Before you know it, you’ll be paying $350 for a helicopter to take you and drop you on the peaks of a mountain because regular ski lifts just won’t be enough”.

To know oneself is to head into and through our fears. Are we self-aware of our potential, of our limits, of our capabilities? What personal mountains are we climbing in life? Where are we stopped? What fear blocks our progress? What are we practicing? All these questions about Mastery arose in me about Acupuncture, T’ai Chi, or anything else for that matter. I have a feeling that skiing will be a gateway to self-discovery like none other…